Monday, November 12, 2007

is He enough?

That is a pretty powerful statement in itself. Is God enough? We all have to ask ourselves this question, at least at some point in our lives. Is He enough? When everything seems to be crashing at your feet, when things seem so hard that all you are looking for is an escape button? We all go through times in our lives when God begins to strip away our comforts, the things we count on daily. If we want to have a deeper relationship with Him, we simply cannot take those things with us. For some of us it is a relationship, others it is family, some it is an addiction, some it is the security we place in a job or way of living. Whatever it is, if it isn't God, it cannot come. God, over and over, asks us to allow Him to be our complete dependency. In that is our freedom. And how many times do we fight and fight to keep our "stuff"? Too many. And then we get stuck in a rut, and the lies begin to build. Then we hit "eject". This doesn't always mean getting up and leaving. Sometimes we just shut down, put up walls. But sometimes we do leave. We think that by leaving our circumstances we can run from those arguments and fears. Truthfully, it catches up to us eventually. We cannot run from God.

Jonah ran, and he ended up in the belly of a whale. Only God could help him out of that situation. Adam hid in the bushes. Gideon hid in the threshing room. God found them out too. Is He enough?

The devil will always tell us "no". And the feeling that we are missing out on something greater begins to loom at the back of our thoughts, beckoning us to agree. When/if we do, doubt floods in and we stand on dangerous ground. Doubt is so powerful that it paralyzes us and causes us to fall out from under God's blessing.

So, what is your answer? Is He enough? Is He? Don't shout an enthusiastic yes, simply because you know that is the right answer. Ask yourself, really is He enough? I hope that the truth will settle deep into your spirit and help you to overcome the devil's schemes.

In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple. Luke 14:33

And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way. Ephesians 1:22-23

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. Philippians 3:7-9

Friday, November 9, 2007

words of blessing

This morning I set my alarm for 4:50 so I could go to prayer. I immediately reset it when I woke up for 5:30. It went off again at 5:30, and I was ready to keep sleeping. But a voice asked me why. So I got up. I got to prayer for the part where the leader brings a word and then we pray. Today's word was powerful for me.

Jason talked about Job and the reason why he was allowed to be attacked by the enemy. At one point Job admits that his greatest fear came true. He allowed himself to fear, instead of believing what God says. Our words are powerful, whether they are in thought form or spoken out loud. They open a door for what was said to happen in our lives. If we say "I am never going to be beautiful enough for someone", we never will be, even if someone thinks we are beautiful. Our minds won't accept the truth until we break ties with the lie we agreed with.

I know I have struggled with a poverty mindset...this basically means that I have agreed with the argument that what I will have in life will be no greater than second best. It was so powerful for me to break that agreement and to come into agreement of God's provision.

Another important thing that was spoken was that if we do not view our personal lives as full of hope and promise, our ministry will suffer. If I do not have hope for the things that God has promised me, how can I hope for others? So good. I got to pray through some more arguments.

Then my pastor, Pastor Denise, looked at me with a smile. She shared that I looked great and then prayed with me a blessing that my husband would see it too. She prayed that joy would radiate from me. I receive every word she spoke. We have to receive the words of blessing too.

So I look forward to the days ahead, laughing with joy. I'm somewhere in the future, and I look much better than I look right now...

Wednesday, November 7, 2007


It has been almost a year,
I cannot believe how time has passed.
The boxes I've had since last December
mostly sit in a corner collecting dust.
I've avoided opening most of them, pretending
they are simply not there.
Boxes of emotions, boxes of memories,
boxes of hopes that are now empty.
Boxes of laughter, boxes of pain,
boxes long forgotten.

This time last year, I was buying you
a blue sweater.
Blue was your favorite color and you
were always cold.
I was coming to visit you for your birthday.
You would be turning 51 soon if...

I've fought a lot of regret in the last year.
I've learned it is not a friend you want to keep around.
There is never enough you can do to appease it.

I remember you telling me that you were scared.
I cried silently with you and tried to be strong.
I built walls to keep the pain in,
but it spills out in unexpected moments.
I stuffed it all in a box to avoid facing the reality that...

I remember when you let me drive,
not yet thirteen, on that dirt road by your house.
We laughed as I almost hit the fence.
I remember baking with you,
turtles and cookies,
scents of sweetness filling the air.
Those boxes have been sorted through,
and placed in special places in my heart.
There are others though...

When I lost you in December,
it was not the first time I mourned over you.
And I am still trying to figure out how to feel,
since really you have been gone most of my life.
Some of what hurts the most is the realization
that this year has gone by like most of the others,
and that your absence didn't change much.
But when the moments come,
and I know that I will not see you again,
or hug you, or laugh with you,
the pain is so deep words cannot describe.
More deep than when you were just 430 miles away.
At least then I could cross the distance to get to you.

So, I am still sorting through my boxes,
some that I have put under piles of other things
as the milestones begin to pass for the first time.
I remember telling my brother that we may not
have you for another Christmas.
I didn't think we wouldn't have you for last year's.
I miss you, and I miss what having a mother
means for a young girl's life.
I think sometimes I miss the very idea of you.

Maybe this season I will unpack a few more boxes.
Some will have to wait until I reach new
chapters in my life.
I know I cannot leave them forever.
The walls I made are not made to last.
And the One who made me
has a greater plan than the walls I built.
He restores what has been lost,
and puts hope into empty places.
He will take me through each box as
I keep moving on.

I love you and miss you mom.

Saturday, November 3, 2007


Today I was driving to Arroyo Grande, and it was a hot day in SLO. Bright and sunny. I was approaching Avila Beach and I could see a layer of fog, covering and hugging the hills. It was beautiful. As I drove into the fog, the sun disappeared in an instant! It was dark, grey, and cold. From one minute to the next, it was hot and then it was cold. I marvelled at how quickly things changed.

Our lives are like that sometimes. We are going along with the sun shining bright, then BAM! The fog creeps in, looking cool from a distance, then engulfs you. Things become gloomy and you don't even realize how it happened. One lie, one doubt, one moment of pain, and a cloud surrounds you.

For me, this cloud sometimes is doubt over my beauty. I have struggled off and on with this for years...simply because I have not let God determine my beauty for me. I was created in His image, and therefore, I am beautiful. All things created by God are beautiful, despite the world's opinion on the matter. The world's opinion doesn't matter. It is an everchanging and never lasting thing. God's opinion is eternal. So, the arguments of not thin enough, smile not straight enough, face not clear enough, not pretty enough all fall away when we realize that God created us as His masterpiece. Just like the rose. Just like the fog hugging the hills. Just like a newborn baby. All masterpieces. All unique. No arguments the world can throw at us can stick. We are beautiful. Glorious. Simply because we came from the Father's hand.

I returned home to SLO, and there was the sun. Again, in an instant, it reappeared. For us and our struggles, we just need to return to truth. The truth brings the light back into our lives. Whether our struggle is over beauty or something else, God's word is the answer. If we look anywhere else, we find ourselves in the fog.