Friday, April 22, 2011

losing weight

My whole life I’ve been overweight. I can’t remember a time where I was a healthy weight, except maybe a short period of time my senior year of high school when I was fairly close. It’s a generational struggle on both sides of my family. And I have been no exception. Because of this, I have had a very difficult time thinking it could be any different. Add to that the fact that I generally despise exercise as a whole (it just simply is NOT my idea of fun), and here I am.

Not only that, but I have been a person who tends to carry the weight of things beyond what I should. I am a feeler. I care deeply about those around me, and when they are hurting, I want to help. I want to make it better. Somehow, I figured that if I worried about them, I’d be helping. Growing up, I had a lot of worry. I have no idea whether I expressed it fully or not, I just know I felt it. Deeply. I worried most about my family, but there were other things too. It wasn’t my job to worry, but I did anyway...which is why this verse makes me laugh a little:

“And which of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life's span?” Luke 12:25

There was nothing I could do, and worry never helped, but there I was, carrying extra weight around like it was my lot in life. I am fully convinced that these two are linked. And for the first time in my life, I am beginning to find the determination to believe “why not?” Why can’t I lose the weight I’ve wanted to shed for years? Why not? Why wouldn’t I be able to live my life not worrying? It doesn’t mean I’ll be so carefree that I don’t bear any responsibility. It means that I will bear what I am made to bear...and to trust God when things seem like too much.

I am excited to say that since the beginning of this month I’ve exercised 15 out of 21 of the days! If you didn’t get the memo above, this is huge! Seeing that despising exercise pretty much meant that I rarely got around to it. I made myself a chart, and little goals, and I am on track! Not only that, but I am counting calories using so that I am actually seeing what I eat, and when I probably should make better choices. Since the beginning of the month, I’ve almost lost 6 pounds. I don’t plan on writing a ton about my progress here, but I’ll likely share when there have been significant milestones hit. I have a long journey ahead of me, seeing as it took me almost 30 years to get here, and as much as I wish it would all just melt off...I know it will be more of a process of daily decisions to get there.

It’s the same for my worry and the things I think. I have to make a decision daily to agree with God’s word. To agree that He has given me all that I need to accomplish what He’s called me to do. To agree with faith and not doubt. I can do it, and already decisions I am making are changing the way I think.

So...I’m on a mission. To lose some weight. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. For those who are local, I’d love to have some walking buddies! :)

Monday, April 11, 2011

Happy Monday!

Okay, okay...most Mondays are not that great compared to the weekend, but I thought I'd share the latest NEEDTOBREATHE video blog. It makes me happy...

It was a great weekend filled with the following:
Visiting people and bringing those that needed it some food
Cheap lunch with friends
Free foot massage with one of my dearest friends
Nap :)
Game night with a bunch of friends, followed by a Denny's run
Church, which was awesome and encouraging
First Philly Cheesesteak ever for lunch
Princess birthday party
Target run
Show at SLO Brew (which included "Finn" from Glee's band! Bonnie Dune)

This weekend will include another great show in Santa Barbara with Ben Rector and Matt Wertz. Also we are doing a big BBQ and bringing free clothes to the neighborhood we've "adopted". I am so excited. For both.

But even better, God is giving me back some "fight". It's been really good since I last posted...I am not going to just sit down and let my emotions go wild. I'll share as things begin to unfold a bit in the next few months. I'll leave you with a few more videos...introducing you to the guys I am seeing perform later this week! :)

Saturday, April 2, 2011

in between

Sorry I haven't written recently...there are a few reasons. Besides being a little more busy recently and somewhat tired from all the weather changes that wreck havoc on my allergies, my computer charger also decided to quit on I went on reserve until that problem could be resolved.

Another part of it is that I've been in a bit of a season of drawing into myself and building walls again. I don't like being in this place. What it means for me is that I feel very alone when I am here, mostly because I am shutting everything out. I used to do it a lot when I was growing up. I was still in the move and groove of life, but I could be standing in the middle of a crowd and I would feel completely disconnected. I also used to hide in my room quite a bit. I would be overwhelmed and want to fix all the problems going on around me, whether in my family or just the inner emotions of my heart. So I'd hide. I secretly always hoped to be found and pulled out, as though that would give me a reason not to keep building the walls. Maybe it would've. Either way, when I think of the times I hid the most, really those were the times I was farthest from God too. I never want to go back to that place.

So, why do I hide? There is a stubborn lie that has made its way into my life that essentially says that I'm alone, that no one really cares or wants to know the deep parts of me, and so in order to keep going when things get tough, I should just pull in and protect myself...because I am all I have. I know it's a lie. But there are times where it just feels so real.

I've been fighting this and at the same time, have been hearing the opposite, the free to be yourself. Celebrate who God made you. Share that with real. Don't hide. One that stuck with me today was "To be unique just be yourself - because everyone around you is trying to be someone they aren’t."

I hear all of this and think, but I'm not really being who I want to be, who I feel I am made to be.

My left hand fingers hurt as I type because I spent about an hour before this playing guitar. One of my favorite things to do when I am not feeling great about things is to sing. To worship God. To use a gift that God has given me with absolute freedom and just sing. There is something completely freeing about that. Quite honestly I wish I had the confidence to step out and use that gift more. Sadly, right now, when I get in front of others and sing/play, I am so worried about what others think that I lose that freedom. For now, I mostly keep it to myself. It was a huge deal for me to post the couple of songs that I have on here. It frustrates me because there is a discord between who I know I could be and who I am right now.

Same with being single. Every ounce of my being aches to be a wife and mother. But I'm not. And I don't know how to get there. I feel like I am lost in the limbo of the career life, and taking care of others' kids so I feel some kind of connect to that identity. Don't read me wrong here. I don't always feel frustrated about life...I love my life...most days. But like everyone else, I have my struggles. My weaknesses.

It's funny though...while singing and being a wife and mother are aspects of who I want to be, it is not who I am. That is where I get all mixed up and turned upside down. They are functions in my life...not my essence. And when I feel this way, I have to remember that. Who am I? I am God's beloved. Chosen and called. Loved beyond reason.

In the meantime, I am at least letting God into my walls...and to help spur on my dreams, I played guitar until my fingers couldn't do it anymore and sang from my soul. There is not much I feel like I can do for the other part except to pursue the dreams God has put in my life and to enjoy it as I go. I have to trust that God's promises are true and that I just don't know his timing. So, here I am, a bit in the in between. I am sharing my heart here, mostly so that if anyone else feels like this, they know that they are NOT alone. That's the worst idea we could ever agree with.