Wednesday, January 30, 2008


So, I think I have started a season of writing again...I go through seasons of things I am passionate about, ways I can express myself or entertain myself. Some are more short lived than others, and some last a long time. But inevitably, they are seasons. I am grateful that my favorite ones come back. I just finished a reading lots of books season. I went through a season of playing the guitar and writing songs. I have spent a few seasons of writing...and now it is coming back. I get the itch to write...some of which I share here (facebook or my blog)...and off I go. I am also drawn to the guitar again, which often is coupled with writing, as some of what I write are songs. And once the words are written, it is only a matter of time before God inspires a melody.

But yes, words. I express myself best in two ways...written word, and touch. When I write, it is as if all that I have bottled up inside flows out. I can read it and make sure each word expresses how I truly feel. And the words people write to me become etched in my mind...

I feel safe in writing. The words can come out and be taken back in a moment before they can affect those they are intended for. When words are spoken, there is no rewind button. In writing, there are drafts and re-writes, until it is just right. And I can be vulnerable and real in writing, raw and unhindered. I can take my time, whereas when speaking, I let fear of saying something wrong keep me from saying exactly what needs to be said.

Spoken words fade, while the written word lasts. It is why God wanted His spoken word to be has lasted, and still speaks today because we can meditate on it and allow it to be etched in our hearts.

Words, words, words, so important. In words, I find understanding. In words, I can express who I am and how I feel. off I go, into a season of words.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

emotions and faith

I used to be a different person…I used to feel invisible, anything but special. I felt like I was surrounded by many, yet alone. In fact, the following lyrics really summed up how I used to feel:

“and i don't want the world to see me,
cause i don't think that they'd understand
when everything's made to be broken,
i just want you to know who I am.”

I thought that if people truly knew me, they would walk away. And so as desperately as I wanted to be known and loved, I hid. Built enormous walls. Created a safe persona that blended in. And stayed that way for a long time. I was a roller coaster of emotions…up, down, up, down. And the more I stayed behind the walls, the lonelier and more depressed I became. My emotions were very much tied to circumstances, and more times than not, things were hard. I felt myself fighting to get all I wanted and hoped for, yet not knowing how to get past all the walls I had built. I felt broken, and I wanted to be free.

I finally stumbled back into the arms of Jesus, where I felt at peace for the first time in what felt like forever. This was six years ago. He began to strip away the layers of the walls, and for a while, part of me fought it so hard, because the walls were all I ever knew. I couldn’t see that His arms were enough to protect me from what I feared, truly being vulnerable to being known and loved. I know that there are still walls coming down. But I don’t feel like the song above anymore. There is still a hesitancy, especially in unknown situations. But I am being called out into being free. As hard as it is to let go of the comforts of what is known, it has been worth it. I am letting people see the real me, and it is a joy to be able to be myself. Where I know God is taking me next is dealing with my emotions. He has called me to be a woman of faith. This week in particular, God has been showing me how much I am affected by my emotions and circumstances. While it is not bad to have emotions or look at circumstances, I am not meant to be overcome by them. And often, I am. I am a feeler, which means I am really sensitive to what goes on around me. This too is good, as long as I am not so overwhelmed that I shut down. Today at prayer morning, we prayed about not being led by our emotions. I truly am praying this for my life. And I know God is helping me.

I wrote this song a couple of years ago called “Woman of Faith”, and the chorus sums up now what I am choosing to believe and walk in-

“Woman of Faith, stand with the Lord
Throw caution to the wind
Trust the One that you adore
Woman of Faith, you have been called
Now walk in His name, O Woman of Faith”

only one

there is only one who holds the key to unlock
all that is within me,
only one who sees me as i simply am.
there is only one who knows the depths of my sorrows,
only one who celebrates the heights of my joy.
only one never leaves my side, and
only one leads me where i should go.
there is only one who holds my heart in His hands,
only one to whom i can go.
this only one knows the dreams of my heart,
and can give me what i need to see them come to pass.
only one will help me be discovered,
only one will open the door.
the only one loves me enough to hold back what He knows is not good,
and the only one protects me when i am weak.
there will always be only one who fits all i'll ever need.
there will always be only one left when all else fades away.
only One. and He brings people and things into my life as a blessing.
but only one is all i really need.