Sunday, May 4, 2008

gloomy day

I am sitting here looking out my window and all I see is fog. It is cold outside...not much like yesterday. Yesterday, I was at the beach in a sun dress enjoying the beautiful weather with friends. Today, it is not like that at all. I am contemplating a nap, but instead, I am here at my laptop, unloading my thoughts. I feel a bit like what is reflected outside. Truthfully, it is a week away from Mother's Day and there are moments that are starting to catch up to me again...moments that come when I feel most dry or alone. They flood in and I end up crying in the middle of my kitchen. I try to hide it and then God sends people like my friend Jeff to ask me blunt questions like "Have you been crying? Are you okay?" And of course, I cannot lie when asked that kind of question, so I unravel a bit and am no longer able to hide. Ha ha. Most of the time, I either don't slow down enough to let the moment impact me or I move on quickly to the next convenient distraction so I don't have to cry. But I do. I have to cry. I have to let the fact that I miss my mom come out when it needs to and it has to be okay. I often argue with myself that I just need to be strong and keep going because I have too much to do and I have to be strong so I can lead others, so I can give something away to those who need it more than I do. The truth is that if I don't allow myself to receive from God or let out what is bottled up inside...what I end up giving away is brokenness or I give all that I have left and run out of strength. God has been speaking to me about His Presence and staying there. I am finding more and more that I don't get far without it. My strength only lasts so long. My abilities only go so far...and then I let go of hope when things don't pan out the way I hoped that they would. But God calls me to hope. His hope does not disappoint. So, even in these moments, even when I feel so stretched I might break, God is my strength. And I can be weak in His arms. I am safe there. I don't have to put up a front and pretend to be okay. He knows. The truth always comes out, and if I hope in Him, He will provide. This day may feel gloomy in many, many ways, but there is a ray of hope beyond the fog and clouds. There is a ray of hope beyond the heaviness of this moment.

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