in between

Sorry I haven't written recently...there are a few reasons. Besides being a little more busy recently and somewhat tired from all the weather changes that wreck havoc on my allergies, my computer charger also decided to quit on me...so I went on reserve until that problem could be resolved.

Another part of it is that I've been in a bit of a season of drawing into myself and building walls again. I don't like being in this place. What it means for me is that I feel very alone when I am here, mostly because I am shutting everything out. I used to do it a lot when I was growing up. I was still in the move and groove of life, but I could be standing in the middle of a crowd and I would feel completely disconnected. I also used to hide in my room quite a bit. I would be overwhelmed and want to fix all the problems going on around me, whether in my family or just the inner emotions of my heart. So I'd hide. I secretly always hoped to be found and pulled out, as though that would give me a reason not to keep building the walls. Maybe it would've. Either way, when I think of the times I hid the most, really those were the times I was farthest from God too. I never want to go back to that place.

So, why do I hide? There is a stubborn lie that has made its way into my life that essentially says that I'm alone, that no one really cares or wants to know the deep parts of me, and so in order to keep going when things get tough, I should just pull in and protect myself...because I am all I have. I know it's a lie. But there are times where it just feels so real.

I've been fighting this and at the same time, have been hearing the opposite, the truth...be free to be yourself. Celebrate who God made you. Share that with others...be real. Don't hide. One that stuck with me today was "To be unique just be yourself - because everyone around you is trying to be someone they aren’t."

I hear all of this and think, but I'm not really being who I want to be, who I feel I am made to be.

My left hand fingers hurt as I type because I spent about an hour before this playing guitar. One of my favorite things to do when I am not feeling great about things is to sing. To worship God. To use a gift that God has given me with absolute freedom and just sing. There is something completely freeing about that. Quite honestly I wish I had the confidence to step out and use that gift more. Sadly, right now, when I get in front of others and sing/play, I am so worried about what others think that I lose that freedom. For now, I mostly keep it to myself. It was a huge deal for me to post the couple of songs that I have on here. It frustrates me because there is a discord between who I know I could be and who I am right now.

Same with being single. Every ounce of my being aches to be a wife and mother. But I'm not. And I don't know how to get there. I feel like I am lost in the limbo of the career life, and taking care of others' kids so I feel some kind of connect to that identity. Don't read me wrong here. I don't always feel frustrated about life...I love my life...most days. But like everyone else, I have my struggles. My weaknesses.

It's funny though...while singing and being a wife and mother are aspects of who I want to be, it is not who I am. That is where I get all mixed up and turned upside down. They are functions in my life...not my essence. And when I feel this way, I have to remember that. Who am I? I am God's beloved. Chosen and called. Loved beyond reason.

In the meantime, I am at least letting God into my walls...and to help spur on my dreams, I played guitar until my fingers couldn't do it anymore and sang from my soul. There is not much I feel like I can do for the other part except to pursue the dreams God has put in my life and to enjoy it as I go. I have to trust that God's promises are true and that I just don't know his timing. So, here I am, a bit in the in between. I am sharing my heart here, mostly so that if anyone else feels like this, they know that they are NOT alone. That's the worst idea we could ever agree with.