I find myself to be a bit in a funk these days, and definitely missing my mom. I went a while without tears, and then at the idea of a holiday, my tears come back as though they never left, the pain fresh again. This time last year, I was making a card for my mom. In it, it stated that I dreamed of her watching me walk down the aisle and kissing her grandchildren. At that time, I truly desired for that time to come, so she could experience that blessing. Part of me knew that of all the important events in my life, those were the ones she wouldn't miss. And here I am, knowing that she won't have that chance. She missed so many birthdays and graduations, prom, so much of my life. I know today that if she could have gone back, she would not have moved to Nevada. She always wanted to come back, but never could.
Funny thing is that my mom was not an active part of my life, but my heart always ached for her. No matter what, I loved her. No matter what she said or did, I wanted her to be a part of my life. I wanted her to be at those events, but she never made it. And she is not going to make it now. This year I am not scrambling to make this Mother's Day special. This year I won't hear her voice on the other line. I sometimes forget that she's gone and think that I need to call her. It comes back, usually with a picture of her in the hospice bed- the reality that she's gone. This is the first milestone since she died, and I have found myself crying the past three days. It is only May 1st! I thank God that He is with me, mourning with me, and loving me through this time. Because I miss her, even the simple conversations we would have.
Happy Mother's Day, mom.