I used to be a different person…I used to feel invisible, anything but special. I felt like I was surrounded by many, yet alone. In fact, the following lyrics really summed up how I used to feel:
“and i don't want the world to see me,
cause i don't think that they'd understand
when everything's made to be broken,
i just want you to know who I am.”
I thought that if people truly knew me, they would walk away. And so as desperately as I wanted to be known and loved, I hid. Built enormous walls. Created a safe persona that blended in. And stayed that way for a long time. I was a roller coaster of emotions…up, down, up, down. And the more I stayed behind the walls, the lonelier and more depressed I became. My emotions were very much tied to circumstances, and more times than not, things were hard. I felt myself fighting to get all I wanted and hoped for, yet not knowing how to get past all the walls I had built. I felt broken, and I wanted to be free.
I finally stumbled back into the arms of Jesus, where I felt at peace for the first time in what felt like forever. This was six years ago. He began to strip away the layers of the walls, and for a while, part of me fought it so hard, because the walls were all I ever knew. I couldn’t see that His arms were enough to protect me from what I feared, truly being vulnerable to being known and loved. I know that there are still walls coming down. But I don’t feel like the song above anymore. There is still a hesitancy, especially in unknown situations. But I am being called out into being free. As hard as it is to let go of the comforts of what is known, it has been worth it. I am letting people see the real me, and it is a joy to be able to be myself. Where I know God is taking me next is dealing with my emotions. He has called me to be a woman of faith. This week in particular, God has been showing me how much I am affected by my emotions and circumstances. While it is not bad to have emotions or look at circumstances, I am not meant to be overcome by them. And often, I am. I am a feeler, which means I am really sensitive to what goes on around me. This too is good, as long as I am not so overwhelmed that I shut down. Today at prayer morning, we prayed about not being led by our emotions. I truly am praying this for my life. And I know God is helping me.
I wrote this song a couple of years ago called “Woman of Faith”, and the chorus sums up now what I am choosing to believe and walk in-
“Woman of Faith, stand with the Lord
Throw caution to the wind
Trust the One that you adore
Woman of Faith, you have been called
Now walk in His name, O Woman of Faith”