Thursday, December 17, 2009

rough around the edges

I feel like life has been a little rough around the edges lately, and while I know this feeling will most definitely pass, I feel quite consumed by it at the present time. I feel worn, like a weathered book left out in the sun or the rain or both. I feel sad in waves, in the quiet moments of the day. I feel like I am going going going...because work demands it of me. And so I am tired and would rather rest a while. Meanwhile, my heart is crying out to keep going strong...but at the same time, it feels like there is little left to give.

This will pass. I am a mix of emotions from the season, and exhaustion from work I am not used to doing. I spent Tuesday night alone on my couch because I was too tired to move. I was hoping someone would be home, but instead the time passed, and I kept myself distracted. And all the distraction really does is cover up the feeling of being alone. I haven't let myself cry yet...until now. It is as though writing draws it out of me...the sadness that words cannot describe. That does not make a lot of sense, but I guess the process of slowing down just enough to let it spill out is enough.

This time of year is a mixture of strong emotions for me. I love it, and yet at the same time, feel overcome by it. That is what grief does. And in a few days, I will pick myself back up and keep going...a little stronger and a little less burdened.

I know I am loved. I am surrounded by so many people who made it a point to check in on me. And when I feel like no one else in the world understands exactly what I am going through, God reminds me that He knows and He has not forgotten me.

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