I am listening to last Sunday's message (I was hanging out with three year olds last Sunday...), and my pastor is talking about faith and Gideon's life. Lately, I feel much like Gideon...full of arguments and doubt. I have a lot of dreams, and yet, I struggle with doubt. As I listen, my pastor says, "You have to choose to believe." God has spoken many promises to me, and I have a choice. Do I believe or do I stay paralyzed out of fear, mostly of failing?
I just started my cell group. I have one member. Historically, I have come up against a lot of arguments about gathering people. I am now being called to not only have a cell group and grow that, but to also help grow my leader's group. Can someone say "aaaahhh" with me? Ha ha ha. Truthfully, my panicked thoughts are driving me into God's arms. I cannot do this in my own strength. And I don't think God wants me to do that. He wants to show me miracles to build my faith. That is exactly what I am praying for. Nothing is impossible for God. And here I am, hoping for the impossible. I am so grateful that God is in charge. I am excited, don't get me wrong, but I know that I need God to do this. I am not willing to do it without Him.
Now my pastor is saying we need to stand up and break the spirit of fear and poverty over our lives. This word is for me. I have struggled and struggled...I have let my weakness dictate to me what I do. I need to give it all to the Lord and receive the Lord's grace. His grace is sufficient for me. I have to get over my weaknesses. I was talking with my friend Katie the other day about a man who wrote a book about focusing on your strengths instead of trying to improve in your weak areas. We too often get caught up in our weakness and then cannot move on. God made us to overcome and walk in the dreams He has for us. It is simply allowing the cross to do its work in our lives, being transformed by forgiveness and mercy.
I am learning to agree with faith. It is an amazing thing how my heart is different simply by starting a cell group. I am desperate for the Lord. I realize how much I need Him to lead me so I can lead others. I am grateful that He chose me, and I am trusting that He has the best for me.