Thursday, April 30, 2009

memorials, walls and other things

All this week has been rather blah for me in terms of my emotions and even my physical health. I have been in a bit of a funk lately, and while it is easy to blame it on surface things, the truth is that it runs much deeper. It is easy for me to say that the memorial service I went to this week was the strike the match needed to light this funk on was for a co-worker's husband who died of the same thing my mom did a little over two years ago. I did not get to have a memorial service for my mom. Complicated issues with my step-dad led to a parting without a remembrance. She was simply gone. The memorial service for this man was amazing. He lived a motley-crue-kind-of-life prior to being saved in prison, and he since then lived his life for the Lord. A man who impacted countless lives through the love of Christ that bore witness in him. I wept for many reasons throughout the service...I want to be like him. Like Christ. I wept for his wife's loss. I wept for my own loss, and that I did not get the chance to honor my mom in a similar way. It was complicated, but I felt the Holy Spirit gently reminding me of His presence.

I have been fighting allergies and cold symptoms all week too...sapping my strength and really causing me to want to stay under the covers until the funk passes. But really, these things are surface level triggers to the deeper issue.

God is asking me to tear the walls down.

He has been giving me things I have only secretly hoped for, and He is saying that if I want more, if I really want to live the life He is calling me to live, I need to tear the walls down. The walls that separate me from feeling the FULLNESS of His love. The walls that keep both Him and others at an arm's length away because if anyone gets too close I might get hurt. I might be disappointed. But God's love casts out fear. The walls have been my comfort zone, my shelter, my strength. The truth is, though, that my walls hold me back. I am missing out on the BEST God has for me when I hide behind the walls. I love God, but I have yet to experience the fullness, the surrounding love that never fails. And if I want more than this settled life, I have to let Him in. When I choose my comfort over the letting go, I am choosing to keep God at a distance. I am settling for second best. I am placing an idol in between myself and the very best God has for me. It is not an easy choice. The flesh loves comfort, and fears change. But my spirit has been aching for so long that I am dying to be set free. So, my struggle is plain and on my face as I am making the decision to let go. God tore down the walls of Jericho. He can tear down mine. But truthfully, He won't unless I let him.


Katie said...

I still miss you. Wednesday night was insufficient. Real date soon.

Outnumbered by 3 Stooges!! said...

I have a pray for the Deans button on my blog, grab it and put it on yours! Love ya!