Thursday, June 3, 2010
Lately I have had a lot on my heart, and not a lot of ways to express myself. In fact, I have pulled away from people in the past two months, mostly so that I could know without a shadow of a doubt what God is speaking to my heart. Pulling away is a defense mechanism long used by me...which has its good and bad parts. In this season, I feel like it has been fitting. I am a person who often is swayed by circumstances, emotions and what others are thinking/feeling/doing. I have prayed that God would help me to sway less and be grounded more. And at the end of this period of time, I can honestly look back and see that God has begun to refine me.
I still mess up pretty badly sometimes... I was teaching first aid today and was talking about abrasions and how I was the queen of scraped knees when I was growing up. My legs were too long for my body and it had no idea how to handle it. Haha, holey pants were the result. And sore knees. I still fall, just maybe not in the same way. I fall spiritually. I distance myself from God sometimes because I begin to doubt or I get prideful and keep going on my own. And I fall. But I get back up. I realized recently that I wasn't quite sure of my walk...whether or not I would keep getting back up if the road got rougher. I couldn't place confidence in myself. So I asked God to show me my heart. I needed to know. God reminded me of the verse when Jesus asked the disciples if they were going to leave him, after many people decided it would be too hard. Their response- "Lord, to whom shall we go?" Their response, and mine. I knew, and know tonight, that without a shadow of a doubt, that where God calls me, I will go. I will follow Him, and Him alone.
I still have emotions to sort in this season...things to conquer and things to protect. Pulling back from everyone around me has allowed me to see a lot, not only in the lives around me but in me. I am coming out the other side confident in Christ and what He is doing and where He has me...even if I don't know all the details. I have not experienced that before. I have been so uncertain, mostly because I was putting my trust in myself. I felt like a servant, not a daughter. God is refining me...and showing me His heart. So, even though I have felt very alone lately, God has used it to help me. I am not afraid of falling anymore. If I get bumped, bruised, scarred, and beaten along the way, but accomplish what God calls me to, it is worth it. No one said it would be easy. Just worth it. I feel like the picture above describes where I am at perfectly. A little scraped up, but pressing on in joy. God is so faithful.
*On a funny side note, but kinda related...as you all know, I am actively praying for the promise of my husband. A dear friend, who loves Lord of the Rings even more than I do, was praying for me and in regard to God's timing and my husband, she changed this quote slightly but said "He is never late nor is he early, He arrives precisely when he means to." Well said. Bring it on. I hope he means to arrive soon. :)