Thursday, June 30, 2011

a mother's blessing

Tonight I received an unexpected gift, one that touched my heart so deep, that at the mention of what was to come, I couldn't help but cry. If you've read through my blog over the past few years, you probably know that my relationship with my mom was a precarious one. We loved each other fiercely, but there were many obstacles that kept us from having the kind of mother-daughter relationship we both imagined. Words never came fact, sometimes the ones that counted most were rarely heard, or not heard at all. While I knew she was proud of the woman I was becoming, I didn't hear that from her. On top of that, my relationship with my step-mom didn't quite click either. Part of it was the blending of two families and the stress of it all, part of it was probably me not knowing how to relate to another mom figure, and part of it was hormones. Anyway, while my relationship with my dad came much easier, I felt like I had to do or say the right thing sometimes to even be liked by the women in my life.

*Side note, I have a good relationship with my step-mom now. She's an amazingly giving and caring woman. What I am writing about here is more of a reflection of my perception after the conflicts that we went through early on in our relationship. Some come easy, ours did not. But we worked it out, and that is a part of the relationship we have now.

When my mom passed away, I realized that the words I longed to hear from her would never come. There is something very powerful about a parent's blessing. It calls the children to believe they have worth and are covered by the love given by that parent. What a parent sees about their child is so validates who they are. I can't wait to speak words of blessing to my children, knowing the value of it. This is not to say that our worth comes from what our parents say/believe for us...our worth comes from God. But God has given parents a very special role in molding and shaping children, and it is never too late to receive words of blessing from parents, nor can they be spoken too much, I believe.

Tonight Pastor Denise came up to me, and sat me down. She said that she wanted to give me a mother's blessing. Upon those words, I could not contain the emotion. Both she and I knew that she would and could never replace my mom, but at the same time, she knew the importance of having a woman speak blessing into my life. She shared the things she saw in me, and what she hoped to see me continue to grow to be. She called me to sing. To sing in every area of my life, pouring passion and gift into all that I put my hands to. She told me she loved me, not for what I've done but for who I am. She spoke into that place of feeling the need to earn love, and called me to just receive. I am so grateful that she took the time to tearfully share her love with me. She has always been someone I have looked up to and I know God has used her many times to heal some of the wounded views of women. But tonight, God used her to deliver words that I know my mom would have said if she could, and even some words straight from His heart.

To show you how much my relationship with my mom has impacted my life, I'll let you in on a little secret. When I wrote a list of things I am praying for in my future husband, I specifically put that his mother would love me. I knew I didn't have the strength to fight so hard for a good relationship with my mother-in-law. I just want it to come more easily than it has for me in the past.

There is such a relief in simply being loved. It's a small picture of the love God has for us. Our relationships with people are not always perfect or easy, nor is it fair to expect that. It's only in God that we can place our complete trust. However, our parents are meant to reflect His heart. That's why that gift of words meant so much to me. They help me continue to understand more and more of how God sees me, and it's a wonderful thing to get a hold of.