envisioning romance

Love is in the air...my roommate just recently got engaged, and that leaves me gearing up for another wedding. We just picked out the dresses. We ordered it online, so I am praying that it fits. I am likely to have to do some kind of alteration, but we will see in a few short days. I also just attended a wedding this afternoon. Lovely, short and simple, but full of love nevertheless. So, all this love in the air, and I am hoping to catch some of it sooner than later. That seems to be my mantra lately...sooner than later. It is true. What I don't say is that sometimes I really wish it were yesterday. One of my favorite movies captures the desperate heart of this when she says, "I even wish it were yesterday. Because that would mean that *today* I would be on my honeymoon, that I would *finally* have a stamp in my passport, and that it would say *Italy* on it." (While You Were Sleeping) Sometimes, it all seems so daunting and time is flying by and well, you know. But the phrase that comes to mind again, even as I share this is "I would rather have it be right, than right NOW." And that is even more true than the moments of longing. I went to a conference this weekend, and one of the speakers encouraged us to be visionaries again. To lay our dreams out again and dare to hope that now is the time for them. Getting married and having a family is one of the biggest dreams I have. My friend Stephanie put a ginormous ring on my left ring finger, and I began to joke that it was helping me envision what was coming. I certainly do not need a big ring like the one that sat on my finger but it was fun for the moment. And what this speaker called us to do was the very thing God asked me to do this year. Dare to dream again, and believe that God's word and promise will not return void or empty. He will bring me a family, starting with my husband. And for that, I am grateful.

up too late writing....

My sleep recently got thrown all outta whack since going on a road trip down to Spirit West Coast and doing the late nights for K-Life. I had a ton of fun, but I am finding it easy to stay up late and hard to get up early...

But anyway, while we were there, we got to see a speaker named Nick Vujicic. He was born without arms or legs, and he has had to deal with all of the questions and frustrations that situation brings. He lives in joy and hope, and from what I can tell, he lives like this most of the time. His secret? A deep reliance on the Lord, and a revelation of his purpose in Christ. He made me laugh, and made me cry...and spoke deep to my heart. He said, "Fear is a greater disability than having no arms and no legs." I am beginning to see how true this is. Through God's strength, we can do all things. But when we allow fear to wrap itself around us, we are bound. We cannot move. We give up. A person without arms and legs can move and do many things...but a person bound in fear is paralyzed. He/she may go through the motions of life, and seem okay, but deep down, that person is not accomplishing his/her purpose, and begins to live in despair. This is the condition many find themselves in. Nick also spoke about the lie that we are meant to do this alone. We are not, and yet we live out our lives as though we are. God is our greatest support and ally. He lifts us when we fall and gives us solid ground to stand on. I am inspired by this man, and am encouraged to find the deep joy he has received from the Father.

If you are interested in learning more about him, go to www.lifewithoutlimbs.org

beloved.

I am called His beloved. I am His and He is mine. But this morning I realized that as I am called beloved, He is calling me to be loved. Be loved, He says, and don't let yourself be held back. Be loved and live in joy.

Be loved, beloved.

memorials, walls and other things

All this week has been rather blah for me in terms of my emotions and even my physical health. I have been in a bit of a funk lately, and while it is easy to blame it on surface things, the truth is that it runs much deeper. It is easy for me to say that the memorial service I went to this week was the strike the match needed to light this funk on fire...it was for a co-worker's husband who died of the same thing my mom did a little over two years ago. I did not get to have a memorial service for my mom. Complicated issues with my step-dad led to a parting without a remembrance. She was simply gone. The memorial service for this man was amazing. He lived a motley-crue-kind-of-life prior to being saved in prison, and he since then lived his life for the Lord. A man who impacted countless lives through the love of Christ that bore witness in him. I wept for many reasons throughout the service...I want to be like him. Like Christ. I wept for his wife's loss. I wept for my own loss, and that I did not get the chance to honor my mom in a similar way. It was complicated, but I felt the Holy Spirit gently reminding me of His presence.

I have been fighting allergies and cold symptoms all week too...sapping my strength and really causing me to want to stay under the covers until the funk passes. But really, these things are surface level triggers to the deeper issue.

God is asking me to tear the walls down.

He has been giving me things I have only secretly hoped for, and He is saying that if I want more, if I really want to live the life He is calling me to live, I need to tear the walls down. The walls that separate me from feeling the FULLNESS of His love. The walls that keep both Him and others at an arm's length away because if anyone gets too close I might get hurt. I might be disappointed. But God's love casts out fear. The walls have been my comfort zone, my shelter, my strength. The truth is, though, that my walls hold me back. I am missing out on the BEST God has for me when I hide behind the walls. I love God, but I have yet to experience the fullness, the surrounding love that never fails. And if I want more than this settled life, I have to let Him in. When I choose my comfort over the letting go, I am choosing to keep God at a distance. I am settling for second best. I am placing an idol in between myself and the very best God has for me. It is not an easy choice. The flesh loves comfort, and fears change. But my spirit has been aching for so long that I am dying to be set free. So, my struggle is plain and on my face as I am making the decision to let go. God tore down the walls of Jericho. He can tear down mine. But truthfully, He won't unless I let him.

blogger tag, and i am it

I was tagged this afternoon by the lovely Jen Dean, which means I am meant to now tag others so that they in turn do as I am doing. Which is what? As soon as I saw her blog which tagged me in it, I had to take my picture, then post it in my blog. No stopping to make myself look pretty or add makeup or fix my hair, but stop and take the picture. So I did. I read her blog just before going home from work, so this shot was taken from my cell phone around 5:20pm. I just put on my scarf to leave because it was (and still is) cold outside. I am late in posting but I promise, this is the picture of when I saw the tag. Anyway, my turn to tag!!!

Um, I only have six people who read this and write a blog and half have been tagged. Guys, it is time to represent! Go Estevan, Justin and Brandon! Tag, YOU ARE IT.

lessons from traffic school

Getting lost in L.A. + following 2 other people + green, then yellow, then oops, red light =
your picture taken + $390 in ticket fees + another $40 for traffic school + a whole day in a classroom with others who broke the law

NOT RECOMMENDED

I got to experience Comedy traffic school which basically equaled traffic school with cheesy jokes and a game of family feud traffic school style. On the whole, as the teacher explained, it was not painful, but nevertheless, it was something one does not want to experience on a regular basis. I learned what a weaving lane is. I have always known what one is because I drive on them all the time here in my hometown, but what it was called? Nah. But I know now...

I made a lady mad in the game of family feud when I grabbed the eraser from her hand before she could get it. She essentially grabbed my hand, then began to yell that I cheated. Nope, I was quicker. Anyway, she was so mad that she took another turn shortly after that one. I thought that was funny. I learned a few other things too, that some laws have changed since I started driving, and I never knew that they had changed. Like that the speed limit in a non-posted area is 25, not 35 like it used to be.

I will leave you with one of the many jokes told to me today...again, not painful, but not something you want to experience regularly:

A horse walks into a bar and orders a margarita. The bartender begins to make the drink- tequila, juice, shake it and salt it. Gives it to the horse who "phoomp", shoots it down the hatch. The horse likes it so much he orders another. The bartender does the same, and again, the horse drinks it with as much gusto as the first time. The horse asks for his tab. The bartender tells him, "that'll be $40.00". The horse reaches back to his saddle bag and gets the money to pay. As the horse begins to leave, the bartender says "say, I don't see many horses coming into this bar...". The horse says, "yeah, and at these prices, I doubt you'll see one again!"

new backdrop

Lately I have been looking at other blogs and have loved their backgrounds, but had no idea how to change mine. I went to the little website that you can now see on my page, and after some searching, figured it out. I love the femininity of this backdrop...and yes, even that it is pink. In the past, I have not been so into pink, nor that feminine, but I feel like God is drawing out the real me. The woman who isn't afraid of her beauty and knows how to walk comfortably in it. I used to be fairly tomboyish...having grown up with boys, that cannot really be helped. I did not feel really comfortable in my own skin. Sometimes I still don't, but I am learning. I still love wearing jeans, but I have begun to bring out the feminine side of it. This backdrop really captures what God is doing in my heart and in my life, and the timing of its newness is perfect as well. God is doing many new things in my life, why not this too? I hope you agree that it projects the grace and beauty of who I am becoming, and who I am meant to be.