holla back!

So, I have noticed something...I cannot tell if people are actually reading what I write because there are no comments! If you have any feedback, you can leave a comment even if you don't have a google account. :) So, every once in a while, share with me your thoughts too! I'll keep writing either way, but it is nice to hear from you.

giving away

I did not want to get up early this morning...not one bit. But I promised one of my cell members that I would take her to prayer. It is a good thing that it was not my idea, but God's...because He began to speak to my heart this morning. If I would have stayed in bed and not obeyed the call to get up and seek Him first, I would have missed it. First, the Lord told me that today was a day of joy overflowing. I certainly was not feeling this way at the moment, but I nevertheless agreed and wrote it down in faith. Then I read in Psalm 28. God began to speak to me that because He is my strength, and He protects me, I can rejoice. I can live in joy. I read these words before, but it is as though God is giving me the revelation that if I BELIEVE His words, I will actually see them come to be in my life. Already I was beginning to feel joy rise up, because I didn't have to carry the weight of my day any more. Then I read John 11. There is a part where Martha tells Jesus that she believes...but then later doubts Him with her words and actions. Jesus said to her (paraphrase) "Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?" I felt like God was speaking to me in that moment. As though all the words I'd said before did not matter much unless I put faith behind it. Unless I walked them out. Unless I stopped looking at the circumstances and allow belief to take me out of them. BELIEVE.
Then Tommy got up to share a short word (I love it when Tommy talks...). He said to us that it is better to be different and suffer for it, than to be the same as the world. He read from Luke 6. He encouraged us that if we are struggling (with trying to do God's will) then that means we are walking in faith, and that we should rejoice! We are asked to give away ourselves without expectation of something in return. This is something that I have often struggled with. I ask God that if I go and talk to someone that they would respond and get saved. I ask God that if I love someone that they would love me in return. My motivation should not be out of what I expect to get back, but simply out of a heart to serve. He is asking me to lay down a few things in my life and I was struggling to do it. But I realize that God is leading me through it, and I need to do it, despite any return I may or may not receive. So, I am standing out, and giving my life away. Amen.

thoughts

I think it is funny that after I declared a season of writing that all of a sudden I feel pressured to live up to it...that is the power of words. You speak it out and people then expect results. That is often why we have dreams we never speak of out loud because if we don't accomplish them, then we don't have people around us to ask what happened. We ask ourselves that question enough.

Anyway, I was preaching to my cell last night about the importance of proper courtship. Have you ever felt like what you are preaching, you are really preaching to yourself? Well, I find that to be true in my life a lot lately. In this teaching, it talked about waiting for God's timing...and not worrying about it so much that you make wrong decisions. This is true in all areas of my life, not just waiting for the one. I felt like God was telling my heart while I preached this, that I needed to slow down and trust Him, and His timing. It was good to hear God speak to me as He used me to speak to others.

It is a beautiful day outside, and I am sitting inside. I am taking my lunch break to type this...as I wanted to write some more. I really feel like God is asking me to slow down...to enjoy people and things like a beautiful day...instead of being distracted. To enjoy His presence, instead of getting all caught up in the worries of the day. I have a three day weekend this weekend, and I am so excited! I don't have any crazy commitments or tasks to do. I am going to relax and enjoy life. Yay! (as my friend Tim so recently began to express) Maybe it will inspire more thoughts.

technology

I am laying on the floor next to my roommate as we both type away and browse the Internet...leaving silly messages on our facebook pages and laughing. It is different. With social networks and laptop computers, I find myself interacting with friends in a whole new way. One of my favorite examples of this is a "thread" which is basically an on-going commentary with a group of friends on facebook. We have posted about 350 times, and it is just a free-flowing conversation. We hang out in person a lot too, and text, and talk on the phone, but it is our way of staying in contact all day long. We can take a break from work, or check in before bed, and guaranteed, someone has contributed something funny or interesting to the thread. Technology is a funny thing. I love it, and yet, somehow, I feel like it creates distance. People used to socialize by sitting on their porches and talking. Now we email. We text. We post on threads. But we rarely spend lots of time face to face. Even when we do sit in the same room, it is often with a television on. What happened to good ol' conversation? Today, we forget how to be personal, how to look into someone's eyes and see them. We have to be distracted by something else in the background. We are uncomfortable so we hide behind our toys and technology. We have to wonder why. It also reflects in our ability to sit down in a quiet place with God. Most people struggle to spend even five minutes in silence, just sitting in His presence, including myself. We've created walls of distraction, and we are so used to all the commotion that when we strip it all away, and are left in the silence, we panic. Something feels wrong, so we run back to the familiarity of chaos. God meets us in the solitary places. And we discover each other in those places as well. Take the time to really see someone today. Lay aside the distractions, and take a look. You'll be amazed at what you will find.

take the wheel

"Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go" -Carrie Underwood

This song brings tears to my eyes when I hear it...and a co-worker decided I needed to see the video today. I was okay until the scene where the older man is trying to feed his wife and she won't eat. You see a deep sadness in his eyes as he holds his head. Eventually, she reaches for his hand, as to say that she is still there. It is amazing how such a story can undo your heart.

Jesus, take the wheel. I feel like this more and more every day. We are not meant to take the wheel. He calls us to trust in Him, in all areas of our lives. It's when we try and do it on our own that we find ourselves struggling. I let go again today...

marriage

Last weekend, I drove down to Ojai and back to watch an old friend get married. I teared up when her father began to walk her down the aisle, and paused, as though to cherish the last moment he had with her before he gave her away. I laughed as she rocked in excitement and grinned as her brother sang while they took their first communion. And in the middle of it all, I found myself wanting to get married so bad! I wanted to be in that place...and yet, I am nowhere close. I don't even have any prospects...haha. But I want it...so deep down that some days it hurts. God has blessed me during this time of being single, and I would not take it back. But I am ready. Ready to begin the next chapter of my life, and be pursued. Ready to allow someone to tear down the walls and see who I really am. Ready to take part of one of God's most treasured blessings here on earth...marriage. Now, when that will be, I do not know. But nevertheless, I'm ready. :)

roots

I have some pretty big dreams and goals that I wish to accomplish in my lifetime, and when I question why some of them have not yet been achieved, I don’t have to go any farther than a mirror to get my answer. I get in the way. How I view myself, what I think, and as a result, what I do, all get in the way. There is a theme in that…I am too focused on myself. When I am, I lose myself in the everyday circumstances, the highs and lows…because that is how my life is. Circumstances change and I find myself dealing with what that means. Up, down, up down…trying not to get woozy or overwhelmed in the ride. My focus needs to change. There is only one place to focus that doesn’t change or fall apart…God’s presence. And when I am safely tucked in His arms, I can look out and see how easily my dreams can come to pass. I can focus on others besides myself, because there I know I am taken care of. I am in Papa’s hands. He is immovable. Unshakable. Unchanging. Unwavering. Unstoppable. I am secure when I find myself there. He is showing me that the root of all my issues is not denying myself. Now, this does not mean I deny I exist, or no longer take care of myself. But even the word “care” means to carry a burden for. I am not mean to carry that heavy of a burden. I am meant to cast my cares on Him. I am meant to live for Him, free, unashamed, unburdened, full of contagious joy. And then there will be no obstacles in the way of walking out my dreams. If I keep my eyes on Him, I cannot see my insecurity, flaws, inabilities, fear or doubt. I simply see Him, and in Him, all things are possible. So, I am taking out the root of the problem, and choosing to look up into His eyes…no more dead trees to hold me back.

hahaha, season of words...

Okay, so I write all about how I am writing so much, and then weeks go by without me writing anything. Well, I have been writing but not posting! And some of what I am writing, I will not be posting. Some of it is incomplete...as I tend to write and then come back to it to finish it later. So, I promise more will come.