Sunday, October 10, 2010

broken voice.

This is not me speaking now, but the broken voice of people all around us, just wanting to be heard. I feel like many people would say this if we would scratch the surface of their lives and go deeper. Why? It was me once.



How am I, you ask? Well, should I give you the standard answer because really all you are trying to do is make conversation? A nice "I'm good" or "I'm fine" should suffice...if I were to tell you the truth, I am not sure you could handle it. Or really that you'd want to. You see, on the outside, I can smile and some days I truly do believe that it's a good day. But those days don't usually last long, or come my way too often. Instead, I spend my time distracting myself. Most days I drag myself out of bed, and put on my best clothes so no one knows that I barely made it to wherever I am headed. Going through the motions, looking for something to pass the time. Before I know it, the day ends and I am dreading the new one. But you don't know that. You don't see beyond the smile.

I am supposed to be able to do this on my own...make it without leaning on anyone or anything. I know I can't keep going at this rate, and yet I still try. You don't want to be bothered with that. I can tell by the fact that as you asked me that question, you quickly turned to your cell phone going off...you don't have the time. It's okay...I'll be fine, really.

I wish I could say I didn't feel so alone, that I didn't feel so overwhelmed by this feeling...even with you standing in front of me. That I wish you'd look in my eyes and see my pain. That you'd see that I want to do something greater than my life reflects now...but I just don't know how to get there. Instead, I continue to find disappointment at how my efforts just seem to get me by. I just want someone to see.

Would you take the time to ask me again, for real, how I am? And would you take the time to listen? More than anything, I am looking for someone who understands. Someone who will love me despite...well, myself. If you don't, I may just continue to be a broken voice lost in the crowd of life. Crying out, only for it to fall on deaf ears. Would you be willing to show me what real love looks like...

2 comments:

Krystal said...

this is beautifully written and such a great message...
(Village)

Chelsea said...

I agree with Krystal. I like hearing your heart!