buzz in the air

I am really excited as of late, since our pastor pretty much told us that we are too single and something needs to change. I must admit that I have been longing, yes longing, for this change to occur. And I have not really been allowed to help spur on that change. As a woman, God has asked me to wait. In fact, He has asked me to not pursue relationships with men, even friendship. I have been taught to wait, which has been amazing. My heart has stayed a lot more protected because I haven't been caught up in weird signals. I am at a point where I'll know if I am being pursued. Quite frankly, he'll have to be really obvious, because I have to assume it's friendship otherwise. So, I am excited for myself, but also for those around me.

This week, I have had more conversations about finding husbands/wives and dreaming of the occurance than ever before. I am finding out so much about people I love because they are opening up their hearts to possibilities, and are willing to share what they are dreaming of. I am joyous over seeing longtime friends get excited about meeting their true love, despite all of the insecurities. We are beginning to believe that God wants to bless us in a different way than He ever has before. And I can't wait.

Truthfully, I am hoping that I won't be left out and afraid that I will be. But ultimately God knows my story. I don't. If I had the pen, the story I would have written would be one of settling and second best dreams. I only know now, in hindsight, that I wasn't ready in the past when I thought I was. And only God truly knows if I am ready now.

I am praying for myself to stay steady in this buzz...that I won't get carried away, well, until I am meant to. Ha ha! And I am praying for others, that we would all see through God's eyes, and not our own. I am not expecting the perfect package to arrive at my door...because I am definitely not perfect! As we grow together, we will become more of who we are meant to be. I want to see that in the man who is going to pursue me, not just focus on what he has now. I don't want to turn away a man who has the potential simply because he has not come to fullness yet. It takes time, and I will be grateful to the man who sees the same in me. And allows me the time and patience to become what he has dreamed for me.

So, the buzz is in the air, and I hope to see a great wave of men and women coming together side by side to do amazing things for God. This truly is a great time to be in.

we'll be best friends until forever. wait and see.

I just went to Colorado for my "vacation", and really the reason why I chose Colorado and took a long train ride was because of the woman you see here. Her name is Jami. I have known her since we were 8 and 9. She rode by on her bike in the alley behind our apartments. We said hi, and never really said goodbye, even though we did part ways for a time. I am going to share our story without all the details, because well, you don't need to know everything. But I love our story and how God has weaved our lives together.


I think our friendship started out as a convenience. We were close in age and we lived so close to each other. Our personalities (even to this day) are so different...I was "goofy", she was "trouble". But as we spent more time together, we bonded. She was there when my grandma died and my parents divorced, a time I can hardly recall. She remembers how devastated I was. I dragged her to church with me. After a while, she liked coming. We both received Christ as our Savior, and dominated our youth group with our crazy friendship. We listened and danced to all the latest on Mtv. We had bad hair, crazy outfits, and lots of laughter. We lived at each others' homes, both of which had been torn by divorce. We even remember thinking we could try the parent trap thing and get our parents together so we could be sisters!

Jami and I shared everything, clothes, crushes, beds, food, video games, our hearts. We looked like sisters for a long time. My grandpa even mixed us up once! She moved across town, but that did not stop us from spending countless hours together. My dad had simply adopted another daughter. He was so gracious and loving, even though he already carried the weight of raising two kids by himself. He fed Jami, paid for trips for her, allowed her to stay with us on a semi-permanent basis, and loved her like his own, even if she drove him crazy. God used him and our family to bring her to Jesus. And God gave me a best friend.


wow. and we thought we were soooo cool.



junior high. we wanted to look cute.

We started to grow up, and I moved to a different city at 14. Neither of us could drive yet, and my dad had a new marriage. We began to grow apart. I made new friends, and Jami did too. We kept in touch, but Jami became disconnected from our church. She began to drift from the Lord. Many, many things added up in her life and mine. Somehow, we stayed connected despite the growing differences.

now. i realize how ridiculous we look trying to pose like that and laugh.

In April 2001, Jami lost her mom. She called me, and we tried to see each other. I was leaving to go find a place to live in San Luis Obispo. I told her to call me. She never did. It was silence for the next six years. I kept her picture up, and prayed for her. I always hoped to find her again. Little did I know, she was doing the same. In December 2006, I lost my mom. In January 2007, I joined classmates.com. I thought about discontinuing it almost as soon as I joined it. I am glad I didn't. It was through it that Jami found me. I got an email and couldn't believe my eyes! Not only that, but God had redeemed much of what was lost in Jami's life, most importantly, her relationship with God. She filled in all the details of what had happened since we last talked, and I thank God that His hand was upon her life to bring her to where she is today. She has a wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter, and a house of her own. She is walking in success, and is walking with God. I am proud of her. In some ways, she has done more than I have ever thought of and has come so far.

I got to finally come and see her last week. It was like we never separated, but at the same time, someone hit the "grown up" button, and there we were. We laughed, and we cried, and we stared at each other in disbelief. She tried to convince me to live in her office forever. I brought my pictures from our younger days, and the one at the top really does say it all- "we'll be best friends forever. wait and see." We waited, and now we see. We are so grateful to have a second chapter to our tale. I can't wait till she walks with me as I start motherhood. She has learned much, and I know she will delight in the many kids I will have! This is God's doing, all of it, and we are blessed to have each other.

like kids again...

hee hee!

labyrinth

Last night I was sitting in cell group, and my leader was teaching about God's purpose for our lives. She began to tell us that God has given us the authority to trample over the enemy's work if we walk with Him. In effect, the enemy has no power over us. For some reason, this brought to mind the movie Labyrinth. I know, weird connection, but I am about to make this movie biblical in nature, so watch out!

The story talks about a girl named Sarah, who after getting mad at her parents, makes a poor decision by taking her anger out on her brother, wishing him to be taken away. Jareth (goblin king aka our enemy) comes and does just that, turning Sarah's world upside down and intimidating her. He tells her "you are no match for me", and encourages her to give up before she starts. She pushes through and begins her journey through the confusing labyrinth, where she comes up against many obstacles and makes some amazing friends along the way.

Our lives are like Sarah's. We get frustrated at our circumstances and in our frustration, instead of looking to God, we look to other things. We aim our anger at the wrong things, and the door opens up to let the enemy in. He takes from us what we don't intend for him to take, and then we become intimidated by his lies. We don't walk in the authority God has given us through the power of the cross, so we end up walking through a crazy labyrinth- the enemy's territory. We are attacked, misled, and hurt. We feel like we are coming up against the wall and cannot break through. Even when we do confront the enemy, he bribes us and intimidates us- "I ASK FOR SO LITTLE. JUST LET ME RULE YOU, AND YOU CAN HAVE EVERYTHING THAT YOU WANT." (Jareth's lines in the movie...sounds like what Satan told Jesus when tempting Him...).

My favorite part, and the part that came up in my mind as my leader talked about the enemy having no power over us, is when Sarah realizes that Jareth has no power over her. That is the line that breaks his power- "You have no power over me." She overcomes his temptations. Her realization that she is not under his power and can walk out of fear into authority brings restoration to her life. Toby, her brother, is returned safely, and her heart is changed.

We need to realize and walk out in the authority God has given us. Otherwise, we allow ourselves to be intimidated and are forced to go through our own labyrinths. We also need to guard our hearts from sin and not let the enemy get a foothold.

Funny how a crazy movie from the eighties can echo God's word for our lives!

sleep was fleeting...

My roomie and I were very excited to see the sky lighting up and thundering at around 10pm last night. We opened up the windows so we could watch.

The thrill wore off at 2am when I woke up to my room thundering and all lit up! I was scared out of my wits! And though my roomie says she woke up, she was not moving. So, I was alone and the lightning seemed to be right on top of our house and room.

Rumbling and cracking in the air...it was crazy! I got up and looked out the window. We were surrounded. It was beautiful, and yet frightening at the same time.


I felt God's presence and wondered at how much fear I had of the lightning...and how much more powerful God is. My fear was better placed in God's hands, as He was fully in control. Of my life. Of this storm. It raged on throughout the night, filling the sky with power and glorious light. I slept poorly, but stand in awe of God's amazing glory.

faith, not doubt

I am listening to last Sunday's message (I was hanging out with three year olds last Sunday...), and my pastor is talking about faith and Gideon's life. Lately, I feel much like Gideon...full of arguments and doubt. I have a lot of dreams, and yet, I struggle with doubt. As I listen, my pastor says, "You have to choose to believe." God has spoken many promises to me, and I have a choice. Do I believe or do I stay paralyzed out of fear, mostly of failing?

I just started my cell group. I have one member. Historically, I have come up against a lot of arguments about gathering people. I am now being called to not only have a cell group and grow that, but to also help grow my leader's group. Can someone say "aaaahhh" with me? Ha ha ha. Truthfully, my panicked thoughts are driving me into God's arms. I cannot do this in my own strength. And I don't think God wants me to do that. He wants to show me miracles to build my faith. That is exactly what I am praying for. Nothing is impossible for God. And here I am, hoping for the impossible. I am so grateful that God is in charge. I am excited, don't get me wrong, but I know that I need God to do this. I am not willing to do it without Him.

Now my pastor is saying we need to stand up and break the spirit of fear and poverty over our lives. This word is for me. I have struggled and struggled...I have let my weakness dictate to me what I do. I need to give it all to the Lord and receive the Lord's grace. His grace is sufficient for me. I have to get over my weaknesses. I was talking with my friend Katie the other day about a man who wrote a book about focusing on your strengths instead of trying to improve in your weak areas. We too often get caught up in our weakness and then cannot move on. God made us to overcome and walk in the dreams He has for us. It is simply allowing the cross to do its work in our lives, being transformed by forgiveness and mercy.

I am learning to agree with faith. It is an amazing thing how my heart is different simply by starting a cell group. I am desperate for the Lord. I realize how much I need Him to lead me so I can lead others. I am grateful that He chose me, and I am trusting that He has the best for me.

twentysix

I wrote this right before my birthday a few weeks back...thought I'd post it here :)

I am going to be twenty six...that is one year older than I thought I would be when I got married...boy, was I off! I think I am going to borrow Emery's idea and write about twenty six random things about me. Sound like fun? No? Then go ahead and stop reading now, because I am going full speed ahead...

me as a baby sporting a mohawk

1. My parents were so cool that they gave me a mohawk at five days old.

2. When I was three, I would eat raw onions off the chopping board!

3. I have to have chapstick and a source of water by my bed before I can comfortably go to sleep. I have done this for years...

4. I collect sheep. Not real ones. And it wasn't my idea. But somehow, someone thought it would be cool to give me sheep and stuff with sheep on it. Now I have a collection, and it seems that lots of people are in on it.

5. I sing to myself a lot, especially when I am working on something. Sometimes it is in my head, sometimes not. That is when my boss laughs at me. Not because I sound bad, but because it is usually this mumbly humming/singing that doesn't really sound like singing.

6. I always have a song in my head. Right now, it is "Not who I was" by Brandon Heath. Not sure if that is exactly what it is called, but it is my best guess. I am better at lyrics than titles.

me again

7. I love reading! I have read 22 books so far this year and am reading 2-3 right now...

8. My favorite color is green. It is the color of life, and my eyes. I had blue eyes for my first few years though.

9. I do not like peas. They smell like sweaty gym socks to me. Funny, they are green too, but that does not improve upon my opinion of them.

10. My verse for this year is "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit." I am praying for restoration- a restored relationship with God. There has been a lot in my way of that, and God is helping me tear down the walls.

11. So far I want to have three kids...maybe four. I used to want two. The more I babysit, the more I seem to want. I am a mama, even if I do not have my own yet.

12. I have a park in my front yard. My roommate bought a pink basketball so we could be ballers and go out and shoot some hoops. I must admit it is kinda cool to have swings a few steps away from your porch.

13. Twenty six is a large number. I am halfway there. Oh wow. I just remembered what it was like being thirteen. Hahaha. I desperately wanted to be older, a woman. Now I wish I hadn't wished that so much. It was good to be a child, a young teen.

14. I used to climb trees. I would sit in them all day at the park. Or I would ride my bike all over the place.

15. In every job I have worked, I have been promoted. I have been a 17 year old 3rd key manager, a 19 year old recovery team lead, and a 22 year old supervisor. I am now a 26 year old (almost) QMRP. I do not like to stay in one position too long. If it is not challenging, I want to move on.

16. What does QMRP stand for? Qualified Mental Retardation Professional. I like my made-up version better- Qualified Manager of Residential Programs. Mine sounds nicer and is still accurate. In order to be a QMRP, I had to be approved by someone important in the state. I am sure you are impressed.

17. My bed is known as the bed of convenience. People, clothes, and random items migrate and rest on my bed. It becomes a stomping ground for roomies, and has already been initiated into this new house as such.

18. I love chocolate. Yum. I pretty much eat a little everyday in some form or another.

19. My current nicknames include: Beena, X-tina, Chrispix, Tina, Cholina (don't ask), Beans, Precious, and Boss Hog.

20. Yes, in the twenties! My favorite birthday so far was my 24th. I was surprised twice, once during A-team, and once (well, multiple times) at the fair. I am hard to surprise, so I enjoyed the love.

21. I love to dance. I don't do it enough. I want to learn how to do more partner dances, but I have to meet my partner first!

22. My diploma from Cal Poly is signed by Arnold Swartzenegger. I will always think of him as the Terminator.

23. I love to laugh and make people laugh. I also do not do that enough.

24. I am learning to love myself the way God does. I am also learning to believe that God loves me as much as everyone else.

25. I have a spot of hair that always grows out platinum blond. I call it natural highlighting!

26. I am praying that this year will be even better than the last, that I overcome my obstacles, that I finally meet my husband, and that I begin to be the leader God is calling me out to me. Twenty six, here I come!

go!

decisions

Have you ever known that you needed to do something, but still do what you shouldn't, simply because it is familiar, comfortable? I am in the midst of a decision in my life and I know what I need to do, but I am still kicking. It's like when you are a kid getting immunizations...you scream because you don't know what is going to happen, the whole procedure seems scary, and you just know it is going to hurt. Of course, ultimately the immunization protects you from nasty sickness despite all of that, but you don't care. That doesn't matter. What matters is the pending doom at the end of the needle. All you see is the immediate future. Not the lollipop at the end or the fact that you won't die from whatever it is you are being protected from.

So, that is how laying down a life of sin is. Like that analogy? You don't realize how bad it can be without the immunization...you just see the process of going through it. It is hard to stop sinning. No matter what it is. Drugs, sex, negativity, anger...we become one with our sin and when God asks us to walk away, we feel pain at the thought of the unknown. We are so untrusting and uncertain that many times it takes us years to finally let go.

God has given me new lyrics to a song in process. It says "come home, come home, come home, weary traveller". It is about returning to the heart of God. I feel like God is speaking that deep in my soul, and that he wants to speak it into others' lives as well. Come home. Sounds simple, huh. It is just a decision away.