Mother's Day Tribute

My life is different than most people in several ways...
Not only did I mostly grow up without a mom in my life, I went through the
process of losing her twice. The first time to divorce and a move to
Nevada. The second time to Pancreatic Cancer in December 2006.

This is my second Mother's Day without her, and this year, I wanted to honor her life. This is my mom. She was beautiful, and I look a lot like her. I think these
photos of her on her wedding day to my dad reflect a time of dreams
just beginning...

I believe that my mom's greatest joy was becoming a mother. The picture
above is of her pregnant with me. She was so full of life and
anticipation.

She loved being in the water! We would go swimming all the time.
Being out in the sun and water took up many hours for us...she
would call my brother and I "fish" because we swam so much.

This was on a Girl Scout trip we took in the snow. She became a Girl Scout leader so she could spend more time with me. Some of those times are my favorite memories...dressing up like Barbie or Christmas boxes for parades, going camping...


After she moved to Nevada, my mom would send me letters. The end of this one expressed how much she loved and missed us. I would always look forward to these letters, especially during the early days of her being gone. I cherish these now.

I love this picture because we were all laughing. We took these during one of our visits over the holidays. She always wanted to have lots of pictures of us.

My mom had always wanted to go to Hawaii. She finally got to go in 2003. She took me as an early graduation gift (from Cal Poly). It was just me and her, out in the sun and water, just like the old days. But this time, we were in a new, beautiful place. We did every tourist-y thing imaginable! A luau, riding in a submarine (below 100 feet!), the island tour, plantation tours, Polynesian Culture Center, snorkeling, laying on the beach, eating out, shows, Pearl Harbor, a cruise dinner on the ocean...you name it! We had a great time, and for her, it was a dream come true.

me and my brother

My mom also loved animals. She had four dogs and three cats when she passed
away. They kept her company...as many of the years passed without her being able to spend much time with us. I don't think she really knew what moving away to Nevada was going to do to her relationships with her children when she initially moved. She later told me that she wished she could move back to California.
She never did.


I would not be the person I am today if not for my mom. I am a reflection of her life...
and a representation of her dreams.



Happy Mother's Day, Mama. I miss you so.

gloomy day

I am sitting here looking out my window and all I see is fog. It is cold outside...not much like yesterday. Yesterday, I was at the beach in a sun dress enjoying the beautiful weather with friends. Today, it is not like that at all. I am contemplating a nap, but instead, I am here at my laptop, unloading my thoughts. I feel a bit like what is reflected outside. Truthfully, it is a week away from Mother's Day and there are moments that are starting to catch up to me again...moments that come when I feel most dry or alone. They flood in and I end up crying in the middle of my kitchen. I try to hide it and then God sends people like my friend Jeff to ask me blunt questions like "Have you been crying? Are you okay?" And of course, I cannot lie when asked that kind of question, so I unravel a bit and am no longer able to hide. Ha ha. Most of the time, I either don't slow down enough to let the moment impact me or I move on quickly to the next convenient distraction so I don't have to cry. But I do. I have to cry. I have to let the fact that I miss my mom come out when it needs to and it has to be okay. I often argue with myself that I just need to be strong and keep going because I have too much to do and I have to be strong so I can lead others, so I can give something away to those who need it more than I do. The truth is that if I don't allow myself to receive from God or let out what is bottled up inside...what I end up giving away is brokenness or I give all that I have left and run out of strength. God has been speaking to me about His Presence and staying there. I am finding more and more that I don't get far without it. My strength only lasts so long. My abilities only go so far...and then I let go of hope when things don't pan out the way I hoped that they would. But God calls me to hope. His hope does not disappoint. So, even in these moments, even when I feel so stretched I might break, God is my strength. And I can be weak in His arms. I am safe there. I don't have to put up a front and pretend to be okay. He knows. The truth always comes out, and if I hope in Him, He will provide. This day may feel gloomy in many, many ways, but there is a ray of hope beyond the fog and clouds. There is a ray of hope beyond the heaviness of this moment.

receive

"Man finds it hard to get what he wants, because he does not want the best; God finds it hard to give, because He would give the best, and man will not take it." -George MacDonald

I was teaching at my cell group last night about breaking free from and eradicating sin, and one of my points (out of Romans 6) was that once we let go of our sin, we need to walk in new life. What does that mean? New life means that there was an old life...and that old life was a life of sin, not focused on God. The old life brought curses, and the new life cancels the curse in order to bring blessing. So, to walk in new life means not only walking according to God's will BUT also receiving the blessings He gives us as a result of that walk!

I went to prayer morning this morning and the one thing I walked away hearing in my heart was that once we have come to God and laid our sin at the cross, we can and need to receive His love and blessing. It is a false humility to not receive the grace that Jesus died for us to receive. This is one area in my life that I wrestle with...and the quote above truly describes the reality of my situation. People (I am preaching to myself here...) tend to hold onto this idea that they don't deserve good things and will often settle for second best or even less than that. This can be due to guilt/shame or having a poverty mindset. Either way, this is NOT how we are meant to live! Christ died not just for us to be set free from sin, but to be set free from bondage, sickness, poverty, and death! And Christ is the way into the relationship with the Father where we can receive His gifts. I am trying to give up my right to say what I do or don't deserve, and am praying for God's help so I can receive.

the ransom

So, two entries ago, I told you about the demand we placed on the guys in return for the "booty" aka weaponry, which was a shrubbery (which we didn't actually want, nor receive) and a meal. It took awhile to plan a night for dinner, but last Friday night, we got our ransom. We did not get just any meal...we got an experience. We were served real Italian cuisine- rabbit cacciatore over polenta, bruschetta, potatoes, asparagus with pancetta, and red wine, all served by a gracious host and cook. We ate, laughed, and talked, like how I imagine a real Italian family would. Then we had pre-dessert- pear and Gorgonzola cheese. To top it all off, we finished with coffee and pie. We were up late enjoying each other's company and I can truly say I was impressed. It was one of the best homecooked meals I have ever experienced. I am inspired to learn how to cook some Italian food! :)

k-life

This morning (and tomorrow) I volunteered at K-Life to answer calls for donations, as it is a listener supported radio station. I am excited to see them reach their goals for fundraising because they are a beacon of light in California, from the Central Coast to Ventura County. The music they play is fun and God-focused, and they fill the rest of the time with Godly messages. If you listen tomorrow from 6-9am, you may hear my voice! But if you have the ability, you should also donate! They are a blessing and need our support...so call in or go online to klife.org :)

childish adventure

The booty :)

Last night, three of my friends and I decided to be childish and funny and steal the sword collection of some of our most cherished guy friends. They have swords by the door, above the television, in the hall...they are really not that sharp, and really cool to play with...so we got the idea to go pillaging. We, the fair maidens, would seek out the weaponry and replace them with mock versions made of aluminum foil. We would also leave a ransom note that stated something like the following "If ye hot-tubbing gentlemen (they were hot-tubbing at the time) wish to see your weaponry again, you must bring the fair maidens a shrubbery (that's right, we threw in a Monty Python reference). And cook for them. Text thine answer."

So, with the knowledge that they were hot-tubbing and that they leave their door unlocked, we set off on our adventure. We even had an excuse for being there should we be caught in the act...we came bearing taquitos. And by the way, we were. Caught, that is. Jon, one of the two unsuspecting gents, came back up to his place to get a key while we were ransacking the place for weaponry! But he trusted us so much when we simply stated we were dropping off taquitos, he even told us to make ourselves at home. I giggled nervously as he walked around the house, and I tried to make the fact that I was holding the sword "Excalibur" (as I dubbed it) less weird. He went on his merry way back to the steamy land of tubbing and we quickly finished our pillage and RAN!!! It must have been quite a sight watching four women running with swords and sai in hand as we fled the scene.

Victory was ours as we received the text stating "we accept your terms". We took pictures and are currently enjoying the benefits of having weaponry in our midst. What that means, I don't know. But it is pretty cool to say that I have a sword. Ha ha ha. The excitement of the adventure, and the laughter that came as a result, was worth it all. Childish? Yes. Does that matter? No. No harm, no foul, and I hope to get a tasty free meal out of the deal. :) And the gentlemen still love the fair maidens. It's too bad we'll have to give the booty back.

The fair maidens...

...

Sunny days are breaking through
The storms have passed
Though they are never gone
Not so locked into the whirlwinds of life
I look forward to the days ahead
I am seeking new adventure
And I find it just around the corner
Am I prepared?
I will soon find out…

I hope that the adventure spills over
Into all the areas of my life
New chapters turning
New passions burning
Excitement creeping back into my heart
We’ll see how it all plays out
I am not the author, you see

Whispers of promise float by
As I learn to get a hold of them
I am learning to believe what
Has been spoken over me
I am beginning to see through
A different pair of eyes
My heart smiles at the future
Just wait and see