sometimes & always

Sometimes: When guys ask me who I like, especially to maybe help encourage him to ask me for coffee, I am tempted to tell them.
Always: I don’t. (Unless it’s someone I really trust/know that they don’t like me like that so I know I won’t hurt their feelings...which leaves only a few)  I also always wonder if I should...if it would help or hurt the cause.

Sometimes: My co-worker and I listen to different Pandora stations based on the day of the week.
Always: You could catch us singing along...often somewhat obnoxiously.  And also repeating the lyrics for emphasis.  We keep it real.

Sometimes: I think about radically changing my eating habits...
Always: I see the cookie, brownie, etc and think I could not handle that radical of a change. Haha...

Sometimes: I go through superficial stages in writing on my blog...like right now.
Always: I come back around full circle.

Sometimes: I check in on my Google+ account thinking I’m missing out on stuff...
Always: I find little has occurred since the last time (often a month or more) I stopped by.  So little that I have yet to put that app on my phone.

Sometimes: I think it’s REALLY obvious to a guy that I like him.
Always: I remember that it’s not, and am somewhat thankful. Somewhat.

Sometimes: I wish I could buy a new outfit every week...sounds fun, right?
Always: I remember how FULL my closet is, how I’m out of hangers, and how much I hate putting clothes away.  So I don’t.

Sometimes: I wish I didn’t have to work.
Always: I realize I’d be bored out of my mind AND broke. Truthfully, even when I am not super excited about my job, I like what I do and am grateful.

Valentine's Day

Ohhhhh Valentine's Day, how I have a love/hate relationship with you.  All of the advertisements, all of the hype...all working together to remind me that I am single.  Because it is so prominent, people are bold to ask if you have plans, if you are dating someone, etc.  Reminded once again. 

I do have plans.  I don't know much of the details, but I've gathered that it is a fairly large group and we are dressing up.  I was asked yesterday, however, if I wanted to go on a real date.  One-on-one, taken out so that I could be known.  Let me clarify, this question was posed in the hypothetical, by a girl who was dismayed at the thought of many of us single ladies going on another group "date", the equivalent to a fancier hang out that takes place on a regular basis.  My heart and my mouth said YES.  Of course I do! While I am really grateful to have a group of guys who want to do SOMETHING in order to make us ladies feel special and to get us out of the house on a night that would normally keep us home bound or babysitting, I would rather be on a date.  Week after week, whether at group hang outs or at church, I am lost in the sea of other women where it is rare that a conversation makes its way past the somewhat superficial.  A one-on-one hang out (it doesn't have to be a date) pushes past all of that and forces the two people to actually get to know each other.  Maybe it'll be worth another hang out, maybe it won't.  But we'd know.  And we could move on past that unknown of whether or not that person we are attracted to has something deeper to connect to. 

Group hang outs are a great place to start.  I'm not knocking those. In fact, they are needed.  That is where two people can meet and build an interest in a safe environment.  The problem develops when no one is willing to step out and say, "hey, want to grab coffee sometime?", and all that continues to happen is the group hang out.  People can develop something here, but it's rare.  There are too many distractions...and as witnessed at a recent one, the scene often becomes much like a junior high dance.  Guys on one side, girls on the other.  The guys and girls that DO mix are often the ones who mix all the time and have established a clear line of friendship.  It's almost painfully amusing to watch.

Oh Valentine's Day, what am I to do with you?  Every year, you swing in with a hope of something special and so far leave with some level of disappointment.  I know this will not always be so.  Hence the love/hate relationship.

With one day left, I am pretty sure I will find myself tomorrow night in the sea of other women, bumping elbows with gentlemen full of potential.  I will laugh and have a good time, but will likely walk away still mostly unknown.  One sweet Valentine's Day that will change.  There is still hope for this one, but it's fading fast.

sometimes and always: lunch time edition

Sometimes: I wish I could sleep in on Saturdays.
Always: I remember the awesome things I get to do on Saturday mornings and no longer regret not sleeping in...like choir and adopt-a-block!


(I am hiding behind the soloist in the yellow sweater.  This was during practice.)

Sometimes: I nearly kill the plant I have on my desk at work, even though it is right there.
Always: It comes back to life, sometimes with a little help from some diet coke ;)

Sometimes: I want to come to work in my pajamas.
Always: I put on nice clothes and make an effort to look professional, even if no one will see me all day.

Sometimes: I choose not to exercise when I should.
Always: I regret it.

Sometimes: I think about going back to my natural hair color of blonde.
Always: I remember the last time I did, and how it took me a month to get used to it. I think I like having darker hair now better.

Sometimes: I think about getting a tattoo.

Always: I imagine myself as an 80 year old with a tattoo and LAUGH. Because I can't picture that being real. It's just not me.

My blogger friend Megan does these too, check out the other ones! :)

i wish...

I wish that brownies were calorie free, and were instead very, very good for you...

I wish that the word "mojo" didn't have such a sexual connotation to it, because it's the best word to describe what I felt like I got back yesterday. (I feel fairly confident that I looked good yesterday, confirmed by a guy friend who stared at me for a moment before he found words to say...which were that I looked "sporty" and "looked good".  By the way, I think the word sporty was not the word he was going for.)

I wish nap times were part of every work day.

I wish that I appreciated waking up early more. I love the idea of getting up early with a cup of coffee and just hanging out with Jesus.  When faced with the reality of the morning, that idea somehow seems sadly much less appealing.

I wish that I was better at living like I am saved than I am.  People know I am a Christian, but it doesn't seem to make as much of an impact as I'd like to see.

I wish I had the resources to make sure everyone was fed and clothed and sheltered.  I do what I can, but some days it doesn't seem to be enough.

I wish that my laundry would put itself away. :)

Just some random wishes for a Monday afternoon.  Hope your week is off to a great start!

hello 2012

So. It's been a while *cough almost a month cough* since I've posted here.  The good news is that I have been busy running around and enjoying myself.  Since day 1 of 2012, things have been exciting and I have hopes that this year could be really great.

A snapshot of the Rose Parade!

-I went to the Rose Parade for the first time ever.  Not only did I go, but I full on camped out on the streets of Pasadena with a few of my close friends and got front row seats.  It was an experience of a lifetime and I had such a great time doing it!

-Remember when I did that list of things called "ten days. ten secrets."?  Well, the possibility of being able to collaborate in a band came up...and although it hasn't come to fruition yet, I am super honored and floored by the consideration.  I think of Taylor Swift's video where she keeps saying "it's my dream".

-I've begun to see God unfold what He spoke to me about 2012 and it being a year of depth.  I love that my relationship with Him is getting deeper and deeper, and He is showing me how to have better relationships with my friends and family.  I've been having a lot of fun spending time with people I care about and expanding new friendships.

-I've recently come to the conclusion that I could easily be a vegetarian.  I won't but I could.  It's amazing though how healthy food can still be pretty tasty!

I hope 2012 has started off well for you! I promise I won't stay away so long next time ;)

award!!!

I got my first blog award the other day from the lovely Emily at Amazing Grapes...it's called the Liebster Award.  It goes to anyone who has under 200 followers who deserves a little more recognition.  And she picked me! 

The rules of said award are as follows:
1. Show your thanks by linking to the award giver.
2. Leave links to 5 of your top blogs and leave a sweet comment letting them know.
3. Post the award on your blog.
4. Enjoy and bask in the love.

Sadly, I follow only a few smaller blogs.  It doesn't mean that my choices are any less significant and as I introduce them, I hope you see why.

Katie at Concrete and Grace: Katie is a dear friend of mine whose wit far surpasses mine.  She doesn't blog often but I always enjoy her postings.  She has a way with words and a clever view on life.  And I love her bunches and bunches!

Christianna at The Girl with the Blue Bow: I met this girl in a hip hop class and instantly liked her! She's clever and artsy and talented...and her blog is a reflection of all of that! Her blog is well on its way to being over 200 followers, but I am proud to be one of her first. :)

Anne Therese at Then Writes my Soul: Anne Therese was my first friend here in SLO, and is an incredible woman of worship.  She also doesn't post often, but each of her posts speak deeply to me.  She's wise and gifted, and I love reading her blog!

Ashley at Episodes of a Mixed Girl: I am not sure how we connected, but this girl is fun! Maybe it's because she's from the Carolinas (an area near and dear to my heart...and stomach, hee hee) but I like what she has to say!

Hannah at One and Only: This girl is a fellow NEEDTOBREATHE fan, and that is how I "met" her.  She's got great stories to tell and I love her photography! Check her out!

There you go, folks! An award brought me out of my blog drought.  And I am happy to share the love.  I'll be back shortly with an update on the big L-I-F-E!

put me in coach

It was twelve years ago that I was on the cusp of starting my last relationship.  It ended just a few months later.  Little did I know at the time that God was going to put me on the dating sidelines...for twelve years. 

For most of those years, especially the earlier ones, I am so grateful He did.  The “relationships” I had been in were not ones worthy of really remembering...let alone desiring repeats of.  They weren’t terrible...but the truth is, if I had it to do all over again, I would’ve just waited.

About halfway through this waiting period, God showed me a little bit of why He was having me wait.  I had just had my heart broken in a friendship where I was misled, and after bringing some healing, God asked me to write a list of traits I wanted in a husband.  What amazed me was that there were things on my list that the guy I was getting over didn’t have.  We’re not talking unreachable, high expectations...a list of things that no guy could ever achieve.  Real things.  Things that were important to me.

In the last few years, I’ve gotten to know who I am.  I am pretty confident in who God has made me to be, even though there are still lots of pieces to the puzzle for me to figure out and put together.  God knew it would take twelve years...and possibly more.

I’ve had more than a fair share of arguments with God about His timing...particularly in this area.  I had a plan...and that plan was that I would meet Mr. Right in college, graduate, and get married.  I would start having kids at age 25.  I think one of the hardest parts of letting go of that plan was the realization that when I lost my mom to cancer at age 25, I knew she would not know my husband or kids.  That was a tough one to swallow.  I like plans.  And I especially like when they work out.  There is a certain security in that.  Instead, those plans are in the wind and I have no idea where the master plan is leading me.

Part of me is afraid.  Afraid that I won’t know what to do when pursuit begins.  Afraid that it might not happen.  Afraid that I don’t know how to have a real relationship.  I’ve gotten really good at being a friend.  I don’t remember what it’s like to be anything more.

God’s got me on the sidelines.  But I also know He’s the kind of coach that knows when it is time to put me in the game.  I have to trust in His training so that when the moment comes, I’ll be ready.  I’ll be able to say, “Put me in coach.”

(I think all this came up because I read Ruth today.  It was the next part of my reading plan.  Go figure.)