writing from the heart

I feel like there is a lot going on in my heart right now, and often some of my best writing comes when I write from my heart. Yet sometimes what is going on is inexpressable or perhaps needs to wait. I feel like much of what is going on inside of me right now has an appointed time for expression, and because I am still processing, that time is not now. I am learning to fall in love with the process. The process of life. The process of love. The process of growth. The process. I usually am so busy running around trying to get from point A to point B that I miss how I got there. Or I am so eager for the end result that I lose the right focus and miss some amazing steps. I don't remember the quote exactly, but I heard on the radio once something to the effect of "If the devil can't keep you from salvation, he'll try and keep you distracted." I have been distracted...for most of my life. I believed that there was always something better than what I had, so I constantly looked for what I thought I was missing. I also got caught up in the day to day, believing that whatever was going on in the moment was more important than the bigger picture. God has recently put me in a few situations that have "forced" me to slow down a bit. And what I am finding is peace. His word over me right now is TRUST. I can't tell you how it will all unfold, but I can tell you that I am enjoying each step. And that I know God has the best intentions for each situation.

random utterances

Ever have those moments where you have thoughts swirling in your head, and you have no idea how to get them out? Or emotions or experiences you cannot put words to? This weekend was filled with these moments, and yet, I want to write. I may take you on an adventure that has little connection or lots, but bear with me, it is just one of those moments.

There is a cat meowing repeatedly outside. A soft meow, yet persistent. I think of the widow who cried out for justice...the judge eventually gave in. I am hoping the owners of the cat give in soon and let her in. She continues meowing on until she gets what she wants. I feel like I have been the same way, my heart crying out for a deep change...and I feel like the door has been opened to let me in.

I wrote about letting go not long ago, and I have been fighting myself...fighting to really WANT to let go. It has been hard. I have felt dry, and my heart has been crying out. God met me this weekend, and showed me what it meant. I can't begin to describe it, but I am refreshed. I am letting go and falling into grace. And I am not so afraid anymore. It is a beautiful place to be, though I have no idea where I will land. Or even what the end result will look like. But I let go. I am trusting in areas I have not ever trusted in. And it is freeing.

I learned that I am choleric and melancholic. Ha ha. This means basically I am a go-getter who has a hard time relaxing and that I carry others' burdens, often prone to a spirit of heaviness. I care deeply about others and I am a leader. A bit of an interesting mix. And God is redeeming my sanguine side. I am hoping to see more of this side of me as I let go. My joyful side is actually my favorite place to be, but I have let fear of man smother it so many times. I have decided that my husband is going to need to be a bit phlegmatic and sanguine, to help me balance the not-so-pretty sides of being who I am. What that equates to is having a husband who can help me relax and laugh. I need both. Some of my closest friends have those qualities. And I love them all the more for it.

I still hear the cat, and I still have a hard time describing all the tears I shed this weekend in God's presence. He is healer. He is friend. He is LOVE. And I am grateful.

I want to wake up tomorrow different than today. I want to wake up with a new nature, one that God has begun to develop in me this weekend. I will share a vivid picture God gave me for this weekend. It was me, laying down as a living sacrifice. I died, and as I was cut open, I emerged covered in white robes, clean and new. I am excited to see how this will unfold in my life as I continue this journey.

I am about to watch the movie "Ever After". I am greatly desiring the kind of romance that looks past all of the blemishes of the past and simply loves me for who I am. This starts with God, and I am excited for it. But I am also anticipating the unfolding of my relationship with my future husband. I can't wait to meet him.

The cat still meows, even more fervent now, as though it were her last chance to be let in. A desperate cry. An open door. Silence. Victory for the cat. Victory for my ears. And a reminder of a victorious promise that my persistent cries, too, will be heard.

ah! how time flies!

I was chatting with my roommate this morning as I was getting ready to fly out the door and start my day at work when a piece of mail caught my eye. I stopped dead in my tracks and picked up the postcard sized "High School Reunion Announcement". 10 YEARS. I remembered that I had to leave, and heard myself say to my roommate "Oh my gosh, I am getting old!" Bless her heart, she yelled back "No you're not!" I had an hour drive to where I had to be for work, so the thoughts began to unwrap themselves. Honestly, I began to assess where I am at and what I have accomplished vs. where I thought I'd be. Milestones such as these tend to tempt us to do this. I had always figured that I'd show up to my 10 year reunion married and pregnant...perhaps on baby number two. I am nowhere close to this! Ha ha. If God so desires, I may get the chance of being in a somewhat serious relationship that is headed toward marriage by the time next June rolls around. God would have to start me on that path soon if that will be so. Is this a bad thing? No...it just reflects the fact that we may have our own ideas about how our lives should go, but God, being the author of our stories, usually overrides those for better ones. I know that God has the right timing for meeting the man I am going to marry and for starting the family I have always dreamed of. And there is no shame in not being at the place where I expected to be. Disappointment is a trap that the enemy uses to lock us into shame, and prevents us from seeing the blessings that God intends for us. I do not intend to allow this to enter into my mind simply because I am crossing a milestone. I am right where God wants me to be, and ultimately, I know that that is the best place I can be. So, ten year reunion, here I come! Wow, how time flies...

one of the guys?

One of my close guy friends made a statement to me today that made me think... "you are one of the guys"... Unintentionally this friend's statement, in a way, was an insult. As a woman, it is hard to reconcile the thought of being "one of the guys". It was meant as a compliment, to say that I fit in well with the guys and that they feel comfortable around me. And I love that. But the idea that ALL guys see me as such is not a thought I want to entertain, yet such a statement makes it difficult not to. I grew up with the guys...my dad and brother. My mom stopped playing an active role in my life around age 9, a critical time for a young girl. And so I became comfortable with being around guys and relating to them. To this day, that has not changed. However, as I heard this statement and tried to disregard its many meanings, it lingered. I am a woman. One who wants one of the guys to eventually recognize me as such. To find me beautiful and captivating. That is every woman's desire. And therefore, really, it is not ideal to be thought of as one of the guys, because those two are not congruent. It does not matter that this particular friend is just a friend...it is the idea that no guy will be able to see me as anything but "one of the guys" that strikes at my heart so deep. So, while I recognize the blessing that comes in the heart of that statement, I also recognize the arguments, and advocate that perhaps rather than using that phrase, I could simply be told that I am a wonderful friend. :)

almost fall!

It is almost fall time! Pumpkin lattes, lollipops, candles and yummy desserts are making their way into my heart as the sun sets sooner and the nights get colder. I am glancing over at my scarf and beanie wondering how soon I will joyously wear them. Soon I will smell fireplaces burning and see the trees triumphantly change colors as we progressively move through fall into winter. Explosions of orange will color the sides of the road as pumpkin patches abound. Glorious fall. A romantic season. A beautiful season, as things die to become new again. And I am just soaking it in. Cuddling and coziness, warmth and wonder, here comes the bountiful fall!


I love the fall season, as you can see...it kicks off as a fun-filled summer ends! I will leave you with a refresher on all the excitement that encompassed this last summer as I look forward to fall :)

Graduation for Carol, Aimee and Michelle! Yay!


New roommates! :)


Celebrating Emily, my favorite latina ever...












4th of July fabulousness/move in party for Estevan and the guys!






Camping!!!


Spirit West Coast- best K-Life crew ever :) /my birthday


love and marriage (awww......)

and last but not least.....


Giant slip n' slide for grown ups! (sort of...)

fun childhood memories

I spent the first few years of my life growing up in Burbank. It is where my dad grew up and where grandma and grandpa's house was. We lived on Verdugo St. which was right around the corner from the "jet" park- George Izay Park. I loved that park! It has a huge jet in the front of it, and I remember it had some sort of fountain pools and real wood playgrounds. They changed the park later to the plastic stuff...safety...pshaw. Anyway, my dad, brother and I would always yell "JET!!!!" at the top of our lungs when we drove by. Such sweet memories there.



And then there was the Jelly Bean Store. My dad loves jelly beans. I don't specifically remember ever going into that store, but just as enthusiastically as we yelled "jet", we would yell "JELLY BEANS!!!" when we would drive by. The picture below, I believe, is the same store with a new sign. For some reason, we were particularly excited about these two things and would yell them out in excitement.



We also made late night stops to 7-11 to get snacks for the trip home after visiting family once we moved to Oxnard. I usually chose a drumstick or funyuns and a soda (Pepsi). On those road trips, my dad would listen to some sports comedy talk show that would play sound clips of pig noises that would get my brother and I giggling!

I just thought it would be fun to take a brief walk down memory lane...good times!

passing moments

My heart was seized this afternoon
by a woman at the gas station
She smiled gently as she got in her truck
Her dog glanced up from its comfy blankets in the back
She had a look in her eyes that told many stories
and a familiarity that shook me to the core
Short in stature, with short blond hair,
she reminded me of the very woman
who gave me life
Her presence flooded memories and
thoughts into my mind,
causing me to wish she were a different person
smiling back at me
And I wept
I was overcome in one moment,
A moment that would not pass by
like so many often do
It tugged on my heart and
heavily sat as I drove off
Not many nights ago
I dreamed that I was watching her sleep
and now a complete stranger has
brought me to tears
So powerful this moment was