Sunday, October 19, 2008

random utterances

Ever have those moments where you have thoughts swirling in your head, and you have no idea how to get them out? Or emotions or experiences you cannot put words to? This weekend was filled with these moments, and yet, I want to write. I may take you on an adventure that has little connection or lots, but bear with me, it is just one of those moments.

There is a cat meowing repeatedly outside. A soft meow, yet persistent. I think of the widow who cried out for justice...the judge eventually gave in. I am hoping the owners of the cat give in soon and let her in. She continues meowing on until she gets what she wants. I feel like I have been the same way, my heart crying out for a deep change...and I feel like the door has been opened to let me in.

I wrote about letting go not long ago, and I have been fighting myself...fighting to really WANT to let go. It has been hard. I have felt dry, and my heart has been crying out. God met me this weekend, and showed me what it meant. I can't begin to describe it, but I am refreshed. I am letting go and falling into grace. And I am not so afraid anymore. It is a beautiful place to be, though I have no idea where I will land. Or even what the end result will look like. But I let go. I am trusting in areas I have not ever trusted in. And it is freeing.

I learned that I am choleric and melancholic. Ha ha. This means basically I am a go-getter who has a hard time relaxing and that I carry others' burdens, often prone to a spirit of heaviness. I care deeply about others and I am a leader. A bit of an interesting mix. And God is redeeming my sanguine side. I am hoping to see more of this side of me as I let go. My joyful side is actually my favorite place to be, but I have let fear of man smother it so many times. I have decided that my husband is going to need to be a bit phlegmatic and sanguine, to help me balance the not-so-pretty sides of being who I am. What that equates to is having a husband who can help me relax and laugh. I need both. Some of my closest friends have those qualities. And I love them all the more for it.

I still hear the cat, and I still have a hard time describing all the tears I shed this weekend in God's presence. He is healer. He is friend. He is LOVE. And I am grateful.

I want to wake up tomorrow different than today. I want to wake up with a new nature, one that God has begun to develop in me this weekend. I will share a vivid picture God gave me for this weekend. It was me, laying down as a living sacrifice. I died, and as I was cut open, I emerged covered in white robes, clean and new. I am excited to see how this will unfold in my life as I continue this journey.

I am about to watch the movie "Ever After". I am greatly desiring the kind of romance that looks past all of the blemishes of the past and simply loves me for who I am. This starts with God, and I am excited for it. But I am also anticipating the unfolding of my relationship with my future husband. I can't wait to meet him.

The cat still meows, even more fervent now, as though it were her last chance to be let in. A desperate cry. An open door. Silence. Victory for the cat. Victory for my ears. And a reminder of a victorious promise that my persistent cries, too, will be heard.