My whole life I’ve been overweight. I can’t remember a time where I was a healthy weight, except maybe a short period of time my senior year of high school when I was fairly close. It’s a generational struggle on both sides of my family. And I have been no exception. Because of this, I have had a very difficult time thinking it could be any different. Add to that the fact that I generally despise exercise as a whole (it just simply is NOT my idea of fun), and here I am.
Not only that, but I have been a person who tends to carry the weight of things beyond what I should. I am a feeler. I care deeply about those around me, and when they are hurting, I want to help. I want to make it better. Somehow, I figured that if I worried about them, I’d be helping. Growing up, I had a lot of worry. I have no idea whether I expressed it fully or not, I just know I felt it. Deeply. I worried most about my family, but there were other things too. It wasn’t my job to worry, but I did anyway...which is why this verse makes me laugh a little:
“And which of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life's span?” Luke 12:25
There was nothing I could do, and worry never helped, but there I was, carrying extra weight around like it was my lot in life. I am fully convinced that these two are linked. And for the first time in my life, I am beginning to find the determination to believe “why not?” Why can’t I lose the weight I’ve wanted to shed for years? Why not? Why wouldn’t I be able to live my life not worrying? It doesn’t mean I’ll be so carefree that I don’t bear any responsibility. It means that I will bear what I am made to bear...and to trust God when things seem like too much.
I am excited to say that since the beginning of this month I’ve exercised 15 out of 21 of the days! If you didn’t get the memo above, this is huge! Seeing that despising exercise pretty much meant that I rarely got around to it. I made myself a chart, and little goals, and I am on track! Not only that, but I am counting calories using myfitnesspal.com so that I am actually seeing what I eat, and when I probably should make better choices. Since the beginning of the month, I’ve almost lost 6 pounds. I don’t plan on writing a ton about my progress here, but I’ll likely share when there have been significant milestones hit. I have a long journey ahead of me, seeing as it took me almost 30 years to get here, and as much as I wish it would all just melt off...I know it will be more of a process of daily decisions to get there.
It’s the same for my worry and the things I think. I have to make a decision daily to agree with God’s word. To agree that He has given me all that I need to accomplish what He’s called me to do. To agree with faith and not doubt. I can do it, and already decisions I am making are changing the way I think.
So...I’m on a mission. To lose some weight. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. For those who are local, I’d love to have some walking buddies! :)
Friday, April 22, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
Happy Monday!
Okay, okay...most Mondays are not that great compared to the weekend, but I thought I'd share the latest NEEDTOBREATHE video blog. It makes me happy...
It was a great weekend filled with the following:
Visiting people and bringing those that needed it some food
Cheap lunch with friends
Free foot massage with one of my dearest friends
Nap :)
Game night with a bunch of friends, followed by a Denny's run
Church, which was awesome and encouraging
First Philly Cheesesteak ever for lunch
Shopping
Princess birthday party
Target run
Show at SLO Brew (which included "Finn" from Glee's band! Bonnie Dune)
This weekend will include another great show in Santa Barbara with Ben Rector and Matt Wertz. Also we are doing a big BBQ and bringing free clothes to the neighborhood we've "adopted". I am so excited. For both.
But even better, God is giving me back some "fight". It's been really good since I last posted...I am not going to just sit down and let my emotions go wild. I'll share as things begin to unfold a bit in the next few months. I'll leave you with a few more videos...introducing you to the guys I am seeing perform later this week! :)
It was a great weekend filled with the following:
Visiting people and bringing those that needed it some food
Cheap lunch with friends
Free foot massage with one of my dearest friends
Nap :)
Game night with a bunch of friends, followed by a Denny's run
Church, which was awesome and encouraging
First Philly Cheesesteak ever for lunch
Shopping
Princess birthday party
Target run
Show at SLO Brew (which included "Finn" from Glee's band! Bonnie Dune)
This weekend will include another great show in Santa Barbara with Ben Rector and Matt Wertz. Also we are doing a big BBQ and bringing free clothes to the neighborhood we've "adopted". I am so excited. For both.
But even better, God is giving me back some "fight". It's been really good since I last posted...I am not going to just sit down and let my emotions go wild. I'll share as things begin to unfold a bit in the next few months. I'll leave you with a few more videos...introducing you to the guys I am seeing perform later this week! :)
Saturday, April 2, 2011
in between
Sorry I haven't written recently...there are a few reasons. Besides being a little more busy recently and somewhat tired from all the weather changes that wreck havoc on my allergies, my computer charger also decided to quit on me...so I went on reserve until that problem could be resolved.
Another part of it is that I've been in a bit of a season of drawing into myself and building walls again. I don't like being in this place. What it means for me is that I feel very alone when I am here, mostly because I am shutting everything out. I used to do it a lot when I was growing up. I was still in the move and groove of life, but I could be standing in the middle of a crowd and I would feel completely disconnected. I also used to hide in my room quite a bit. I would be overwhelmed and want to fix all the problems going on around me, whether in my family or just the inner emotions of my heart. So I'd hide. I secretly always hoped to be found and pulled out, as though that would give me a reason not to keep building the walls. Maybe it would've. Either way, when I think of the times I hid the most, really those were the times I was farthest from God too. I never want to go back to that place.
So, why do I hide? There is a stubborn lie that has made its way into my life that essentially says that I'm alone, that no one really cares or wants to know the deep parts of me, and so in order to keep going when things get tough, I should just pull in and protect myself...because I am all I have. I know it's a lie. But there are times where it just feels so real.
I've been fighting this and at the same time, have been hearing the opposite, the truth...be free to be yourself. Celebrate who God made you. Share that with others...be real. Don't hide. One that stuck with me today was "To be unique just be yourself - because everyone around you is trying to be someone they aren’t."
I hear all of this and think, but I'm not really being who I want to be, who I feel I am made to be.
My left hand fingers hurt as I type because I spent about an hour before this playing guitar. One of my favorite things to do when I am not feeling great about things is to sing. To worship God. To use a gift that God has given me with absolute freedom and just sing. There is something completely freeing about that. Quite honestly I wish I had the confidence to step out and use that gift more. Sadly, right now, when I get in front of others and sing/play, I am so worried about what others think that I lose that freedom. For now, I mostly keep it to myself. It was a huge deal for me to post the couple of songs that I have on here. It frustrates me because there is a discord between who I know I could be and who I am right now.
Same with being single. Every ounce of my being aches to be a wife and mother. But I'm not. And I don't know how to get there. I feel like I am lost in the limbo of the career life, and taking care of others' kids so I feel some kind of connect to that identity. Don't read me wrong here. I don't always feel frustrated about life...I love my life...most days. But like everyone else, I have my struggles. My weaknesses.
It's funny though...while singing and being a wife and mother are aspects of who I want to be, it is not who I am. That is where I get all mixed up and turned upside down. They are functions in my life...not my essence. And when I feel this way, I have to remember that. Who am I? I am God's beloved. Chosen and called. Loved beyond reason.
In the meantime, I am at least letting God into my walls...and to help spur on my dreams, I played guitar until my fingers couldn't do it anymore and sang from my soul. There is not much I feel like I can do for the other part except to pursue the dreams God has put in my life and to enjoy it as I go. I have to trust that God's promises are true and that I just don't know his timing. So, here I am, a bit in the in between. I am sharing my heart here, mostly so that if anyone else feels like this, they know that they are NOT alone. That's the worst idea we could ever agree with.
Another part of it is that I've been in a bit of a season of drawing into myself and building walls again. I don't like being in this place. What it means for me is that I feel very alone when I am here, mostly because I am shutting everything out. I used to do it a lot when I was growing up. I was still in the move and groove of life, but I could be standing in the middle of a crowd and I would feel completely disconnected. I also used to hide in my room quite a bit. I would be overwhelmed and want to fix all the problems going on around me, whether in my family or just the inner emotions of my heart. So I'd hide. I secretly always hoped to be found and pulled out, as though that would give me a reason not to keep building the walls. Maybe it would've. Either way, when I think of the times I hid the most, really those were the times I was farthest from God too. I never want to go back to that place.
So, why do I hide? There is a stubborn lie that has made its way into my life that essentially says that I'm alone, that no one really cares or wants to know the deep parts of me, and so in order to keep going when things get tough, I should just pull in and protect myself...because I am all I have. I know it's a lie. But there are times where it just feels so real.
I've been fighting this and at the same time, have been hearing the opposite, the truth...be free to be yourself. Celebrate who God made you. Share that with others...be real. Don't hide. One that stuck with me today was "To be unique just be yourself - because everyone around you is trying to be someone they aren’t."
I hear all of this and think, but I'm not really being who I want to be, who I feel I am made to be.
My left hand fingers hurt as I type because I spent about an hour before this playing guitar. One of my favorite things to do when I am not feeling great about things is to sing. To worship God. To use a gift that God has given me with absolute freedom and just sing. There is something completely freeing about that. Quite honestly I wish I had the confidence to step out and use that gift more. Sadly, right now, when I get in front of others and sing/play, I am so worried about what others think that I lose that freedom. For now, I mostly keep it to myself. It was a huge deal for me to post the couple of songs that I have on here. It frustrates me because there is a discord between who I know I could be and who I am right now.
Same with being single. Every ounce of my being aches to be a wife and mother. But I'm not. And I don't know how to get there. I feel like I am lost in the limbo of the career life, and taking care of others' kids so I feel some kind of connect to that identity. Don't read me wrong here. I don't always feel frustrated about life...I love my life...most days. But like everyone else, I have my struggles. My weaknesses.
It's funny though...while singing and being a wife and mother are aspects of who I want to be, it is not who I am. That is where I get all mixed up and turned upside down. They are functions in my life...not my essence. And when I feel this way, I have to remember that. Who am I? I am God's beloved. Chosen and called. Loved beyond reason.
In the meantime, I am at least letting God into my walls...and to help spur on my dreams, I played guitar until my fingers couldn't do it anymore and sang from my soul. There is not much I feel like I can do for the other part except to pursue the dreams God has put in my life and to enjoy it as I go. I have to trust that God's promises are true and that I just don't know his timing. So, here I am, a bit in the in between. I am sharing my heart here, mostly so that if anyone else feels like this, they know that they are NOT alone. That's the worst idea we could ever agree with.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
a little (or much) love.
I just wanted to say hi to everyone, and that I genuinely am excited to have almost 30 followers...some of whom I've never met. I am grateful for your loyal following and hope that some of my ramblings bless you from time to time. I know there are also people out there who apparently regularly read this but don't actually follow.
I started this blog for myself just over four years ago, as a way to give my brain an outlet. My mom had just passed away and I felt a strong need to have a forum to express all of that emotion. At first, I had no plans to share it with the world...but over the years, I've gotten feedback that some of the things I've written here have helped others in their walk. And literally, I have followers from around the world now...it's amazing what technology can do to bring people together.
Some good things continue to happen...like I shared, my vacation was wonderful! Now that I am back home, I am launching into some exciting new things. My church is starting to launch new ways to serve our community, and today was the first day I got to be a part of it. So simple, but I believe it will be life changing to some...we are "adopting" areas of our city and going every week to bring food and hopefully in the future, other things to help meet needs. We are building relationships and creating better, more connected communities. I got to personally give out about 10 bags of food to families, and I can't wait to get to know them. To me, it's a great way to give a little love to the people around us.
So, thanks again for following...I really do cherish each one of you! (If you haven't read my previous post and subsequently gone out and made yourself a little emergency kit, apologize to yourself and go out and do it!)
Much love.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
prepared.
I just got back from a wonderfully relaxing and adventurous vacation, and under normal circumstances, would be spilling all the details...like getting guest listed by the headliner of a show we weren't planning on going to OR having a different headliner invite you and your friend to come and hang while they prep for their show...and buy you coffee. Yeah, it was a great time. I love the south and almost everything about it! But my last day in Charleston, I woke up to news of the devastation in Japan.
I don't really know why this particular tragedy is sticking with me so much or why it is making me think differently about my own preparation for a disaster...but it is. For the last (almost) 30 years, disaster preparation was for school or work, and I never once thought that I should transfer that to my home. Maybe it's because I am older and realize how precious life is and how fast time passes that my point of view is shifting. Up to two days ago, I was completely unprepared for any kind of disaster.
This is not a 'Chicken Little' post where I am calling out that "the sky is falling!" I am not overly worried or paranoid...but the reality is that I live in a state that has the potential for fairly large earthquakes. Also, I happen to live about 15 miles from a nuclear power plant. To not be prepared for something, even somewhat minor, is foolish. The situation in Japan has made that glaringly clear. To pretend that we can't/won't have the potential of something similar is also foolish. It is inevitable that somewhere in California, possibly near where I live, that an earthquake of high magnitude will happen at some point in my life. Why not be prepared? That day could be days, weeks, months, even years away...but at least now I can say I am somewhat prepared.
I am not writing all of this to encourage people to live fear filled lives with impending doom ever lingering at the back of their minds. God has our days numbered...only He knows how and when we'll go. Until then, we should live a life of trust. However, I would love it if during a disaster, my preparedness was able to help someone else in need. I would also love it if this post encourages you to make a little kit so that you too can be ready.
I went out and bought some water (recommended 1 gallon per person per day) for three days, canned goods that don't need cooking (i.e. tuna, beans, fruit), crackers, granola bars, a couple of flashlights and some cups/etc. My roommate strongly suggested we add diet coke to that list...ha. I made sure that we had a few candles and matches set aside just in case. That's all for now. I have a gallon of water in my car and a blanket...and we have tools and extra blankets in our apartment. If you want a more extensive list, go here. No matter where you live, there really is no reason why you shouldn't take a little time and a little extra money to have something prepared. So I ask, are you...prepared?
I don't really know why this particular tragedy is sticking with me so much or why it is making me think differently about my own preparation for a disaster...but it is. For the last (almost) 30 years, disaster preparation was for school or work, and I never once thought that I should transfer that to my home. Maybe it's because I am older and realize how precious life is and how fast time passes that my point of view is shifting. Up to two days ago, I was completely unprepared for any kind of disaster.
This is not a 'Chicken Little' post where I am calling out that "the sky is falling!" I am not overly worried or paranoid...but the reality is that I live in a state that has the potential for fairly large earthquakes. Also, I happen to live about 15 miles from a nuclear power plant. To not be prepared for something, even somewhat minor, is foolish. The situation in Japan has made that glaringly clear. To pretend that we can't/won't have the potential of something similar is also foolish. It is inevitable that somewhere in California, possibly near where I live, that an earthquake of high magnitude will happen at some point in my life. Why not be prepared? That day could be days, weeks, months, even years away...but at least now I can say I am somewhat prepared.
I am not writing all of this to encourage people to live fear filled lives with impending doom ever lingering at the back of their minds. God has our days numbered...only He knows how and when we'll go. Until then, we should live a life of trust. However, I would love it if during a disaster, my preparedness was able to help someone else in need. I would also love it if this post encourages you to make a little kit so that you too can be ready.
I went out and bought some water (recommended 1 gallon per person per day) for three days, canned goods that don't need cooking (i.e. tuna, beans, fruit), crackers, granola bars, a couple of flashlights and some cups/etc. My roommate strongly suggested we add diet coke to that list...ha. I made sure that we had a few candles and matches set aside just in case. That's all for now. I have a gallon of water in my car and a blanket...and we have tools and extra blankets in our apartment. If you want a more extensive list, go here. No matter where you live, there really is no reason why you shouldn't take a little time and a little extra money to have something prepared. So I ask, are you...prepared?
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
resigned
This video, in a fun way, emphasizes the issue that I, and probably all people, struggle with. Giving God permission to make the decisions in our lives, even the small ones. I know that I don't come to God with all the situations I face, and at times, not even the biggest ones. I've been molded into the American dream, where I can do it all! Or if I don't/can't/won't, then I am not living up to expectations. I am an individual, headed for the best I can make in life.
The problem is that the American dream will and does leave you disappointed. Most times it requires sacrifice that actually steals away life, and attitudes that trample the heart. We buy into the lies and end up more confused and broken than we started. And instead of going to the one place, the one person who can help us, we continue the cycle of trying to seek the solution ourselves.
God will never take control of your life. I know that there have been days, moments, where all I want God to do is rip the control out of my hands and make me do His will. What a relief that would be...but, the truth is that if He did, I wouldn't have a relationship with Him. There is something beautiful about a willingness to trust and surrender. If we are willing, God promises not to fail us...
The problem is that the American dream will and does leave you disappointed. Most times it requires sacrifice that actually steals away life, and attitudes that trample the heart. We buy into the lies and end up more confused and broken than we started. And instead of going to the one place, the one person who can help us, we continue the cycle of trying to seek the solution ourselves.
God will never take control of your life. I know that there have been days, moments, where all I want God to do is rip the control out of my hands and make me do His will. What a relief that would be...but, the truth is that if He did, I wouldn't have a relationship with Him. There is something beautiful about a willingness to trust and surrender. If we are willing, God promises not to fail us...
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11
This verse is a simple reminder of the very reason I need to resign as the leader of my life. There is only so much I can do to prosper, only so much I can do to prevent harm. These things usually end up being a settlement for second best. God wants me to live. To be the full blessing He's created me to be...and to receive the full blessings He's reserved for me. It's starts with a resignation. A decision to agree with His word instead of circumstance or feeling. And so, here I go, resigning daily to my will, my thoughts, my actions. I choose God's. He has proven faithful and true, and those are the best odds.
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