Mother's Day

I find myself to be a bit in a funk these days, and definitely missing my mom. I went a while without tears, and then at the idea of a holiday, my tears come back as though they never left, the pain fresh again. This time last year, I was making a card for my mom. In it, it stated that I dreamed of her watching me walk down the aisle and kissing her grandchildren. At that time, I truly desired for that time to come, so she could experience that blessing. Part of me knew that of all the important events in my life, those were the ones she wouldn't miss. And here I am, knowing that she won't have that chance. She missed so many birthdays and graduations, prom, so much of my life. I know today that if she could have gone back, she would not have moved to Nevada. She always wanted to come back, but never could.

Funny thing is that my mom was not an active part of my life, but my heart always ached for her. No matter what, I loved her. No matter what she said or did, I wanted her to be a part of my life. I wanted her to be at those events, but she never made it. And she is not going to make it now. This year I am not scrambling to make this Mother's Day special. This year I won't hear her voice on the other line. I sometimes forget that she's gone and think that I need to call her. It comes back, usually with a picture of her in the hospice bed- the reality that she's gone. This is the first milestone since she died, and I have found myself crying the past three days. It is only May 1st! I thank God that He is with me, mourning with me, and loving me through this time. Because I miss her, even the simple conversations we would have.

Happy Mother's Day, mom.

slow rate of blogging

I just noticed that I go about a month in between blogs! Crazy. I will make up for it tonight. After the excitement of graduation (what an honor that night was), I geared up for several fun-filled events. First was Party in the Park, and I am sad to say I do not have pictures. I was the balloon animal lady! Well, one of them. :) There were kids lined up, even when it began to rain. Let me tell you, it is not easy making a flower in the rain! The balloons were not happy with the weather, but the kids had fun, and not too many popped.



That same weekend, my dear friend Kristin came for a visit. We took some silly pictures and enjoyed each other's company. I miss her. She lives in Washington now. I keep telling her to come home. Maybe one day God will tell her too. Here are some of our silly pics:
















What can I say? Aren't we cute?

Next fun event was this past weekend, when our church invited a ton of people for a free banquet. I loved serving food to people and hear all the wonderful words of thanks. We just wanted to bless people and invite those who wanted to become a part of our family. I think we accomplished just that.

In two weeks, we are doing an event called The Invitation. I am so excited. We have invited Leeland to come and play, and we are inviting people to come and hear the gospel. Pretty simple with a big heart behind it. I can't wait. I hope we overflow the PAC, and that many give their lives to Jesus as a result. My biggest prayer besides that, is that those I invite come. The last two events, my friends have missed a mighty blessing, and I don't want them to miss this. May 15th 6pm. If you are in SLO that night, you should come!!!

graduation pictures!

Me and Stacy dancing (also known as squishy and beans...believe it or not, I am not squishy! I am beans, derived from Beena, because it rhymes.)
I have gorgeous friends --->

Brief update

I am on a lunch break at work, though I am not eating lunch (long story but to sum up, I am in Atascadero because of a "sick" client and my lunch is in Morro Bay). Sad, I know. I am hungry. But that is not why I write. There are a lot of good things happening in my life...I am kept quite busy! I have picked up my old habit of reading, and have read like 12-13 books since the beginning of the year! I am currently reading "Real Christianity" by William Wilberforce (the movie Amazing Grace was based on his life). I am being worked by this book! It talks about how Christians (today, although this was written in the late 1700s) do not know how to back up their faith because they do not read the Word, but rather hide behind a lifestyle loosely based on Christian morality. It goes on to talk about how that affects society, and I am only starting the 2nd chapter...ouch. It is so true. And this morning I was listening to Focus on the Family, and the speaker was talking about how nice people do go to hell...works do not get us to heaven. It is only by the grace of God, which we receive through repentance and a relationship with Him. Oooh.

Tonight I am graduating from "School of Leaders", which ultimately comes down to the fact that I am committing to do the works of Christ in my life and to a life dedicated to Him. It is going to be a fancy dinner and event, a wonderful time of celebration of what God is doing in our lives. If I take any pictures, I'll post them. I am also trying to launch a women's group. I had invited co-workers to a free lunch, to which no one showed, but I know God is giving me the faith to believe that I am meant to lead women to Christ. This is not because of me, it is not about me. It is because I am God's workmanship, created to do the works of God, which He has prepared in advance for me to do, that I would walk in them (Ephesians 2:9 summed up). These works are to spread His gospel, and bring people to Christ, particularly women. It is such a blessing to share God with willing souls. My struggle has been to overcome the fear and doubt that holds me back. I keep persevering though, and God willing, will see friends and family come to know Christ in a powerful way.

In work news, I am almost caught up on paperwork! You have no idea what a burden this has been over the past six months. I had a lot of circumstances come up that took a lot of my attention, and I am grateful that things are smoothing out. If you want to know more about what I do, here is the link: www.optionsfs.org -I think if you look hard enough you might find a picture of me! I really do enjoy my job and the people I work with.

Well, lunch time is over, and so ends my update. I will hopefully get to eat my lunch around 2:30!

Beautiful woman, life much like the worn pages of a classic book, Taking one step at a time, giving away what she could. A woman who loved so much that she did not always know how to express it, Sorrows so deep, no person could reach. Decisions made over time leading to regret and memories so sweet, laughter overflows. She loved writing, crafts, drawing- expressions of all she contained. She enjoyed the outdoors, barbequing, Nascar, football, and crime drama. She loved her two children, gifts in her eyes. Her heart broke a thousand times when she left them behind. I look like her, sometimes sound like her. I belong to her, and she is a part of me. No longer here, this beautiful woman. My hope is that she is at home, full of peace and free from pain. I miss her, and in a way, I missed her long before she was gone.

I love you, mom. Thank you for your love.

November 23, 1956 - December 15, 2006

disco funk

I cut my hair off! The cut is called "the disco" 'cause as my awesome hairstylist, Harmony, says "it's disco-nnected!" Ha ha ha. :) I like it, and so do most people who have taken a gander at it. Shocking to some, though, and that is OK. I am becoming more myself these days, if you know what I mean...I used to have simple haircuts, and simple style. It wasn't me, but I didn't feel comfortable standing out. But I have been set free by my Jesus, and here I am, sporting the "disco". Standing out a little more. It's fun. It's even more fun being free...

rainy days

This is what my roommates and I do on rainy days. We come up with games...this time we got all of our exercise balls and made up gladiator type games. Why? Because we could. We played "smashball" which consisted of us holding our balls and smashing into one another. We threw the balls at each other to see if we could catch them. Then my roomies came up with the ultimate game..."ball surfing". Aw yeah. I don't know if the video link will work BUT if it does, it is of my friend William, trying out our game. It is so cool, you know you will want to do it! The pic below is us pretending to be superheroes or flying or something that just looks really cool. Come on, it was raining ALL day. You know you would do the same, or something just as ridiculously FUN.