rain

I love the rain. It is pouring outside, and I am warm inside. Rain brings the desire to be cozy, one of my favorite things, and cozy means warm blankets, hot coffee or cocoa, warm desserts, cuddling, fireplaces, and bundling up in scarves and jackets. Rain also washes away the old, and waters the ground to bring new life. It feels a bit gloomy in the process, the dark clounds, cold wind, and constant downpour. But around the corner is new life. Spring comes bounding in after the rain and cold with green hills and bright sunshine. New life.

I feel like the weather outside, rainy and stormy. But there is a deep peace knowing that around the corner is new life, when the clouds over me, the sorrow, pass and joy resounds in a new, fresh season. So I'll sit through this storm, but know I will make it to the other side, and rejoice in the days to come.

is He enough?

That is a pretty powerful statement in itself. Is God enough? We all have to ask ourselves this question, at least at some point in our lives. Is He enough? When everything seems to be crashing at your feet, when things seem so hard that all you are looking for is an escape button? We all go through times in our lives when God begins to strip away our comforts, the things we count on daily. If we want to have a deeper relationship with Him, we simply cannot take those things with us. For some of us it is a relationship, others it is family, some it is an addiction, some it is the security we place in a job or way of living. Whatever it is, if it isn't God, it cannot come. God, over and over, asks us to allow Him to be our complete dependency. In that is our freedom. And how many times do we fight and fight to keep our "stuff"? Too many. And then we get stuck in a rut, and the lies begin to build. Then we hit "eject". This doesn't always mean getting up and leaving. Sometimes we just shut down, put up walls. But sometimes we do leave. We think that by leaving our circumstances we can run from those arguments and fears. Truthfully, it catches up to us eventually. We cannot run from God.

Jonah ran, and he ended up in the belly of a whale. Only God could help him out of that situation. Adam hid in the bushes. Gideon hid in the threshing room. God found them out too. Is He enough?

The devil will always tell us "no". And the feeling that we are missing out on something greater begins to loom at the back of our thoughts, beckoning us to agree. When/if we do, doubt floods in and we stand on dangerous ground. Doubt is so powerful that it paralyzes us and causes us to fall out from under God's blessing.

So, what is your answer? Is He enough? Is He? Don't shout an enthusiastic yes, simply because you know that is the right answer. Ask yourself, really is He enough? I hope that the truth will settle deep into your spirit and help you to overcome the devil's schemes.

In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple. Luke 14:33

And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way. Ephesians 1:22-23

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. Philippians 3:7-9

words of blessing

This morning I set my alarm for 4:50 so I could go to prayer. I immediately reset it when I woke up for 5:30. It went off again at 5:30, and I was ready to keep sleeping. But a voice asked me why. So I got up. I got to prayer for the part where the leader brings a word and then we pray. Today's word was powerful for me.

Jason talked about Job and the reason why he was allowed to be attacked by the enemy. At one point Job admits that his greatest fear came true. He allowed himself to fear, instead of believing what God says. Our words are powerful, whether they are in thought form or spoken out loud. They open a door for what was said to happen in our lives. If we say "I am never going to be beautiful enough for someone", we never will be, even if someone thinks we are beautiful. Our minds won't accept the truth until we break ties with the lie we agreed with.

I know I have struggled with a poverty mindset...this basically means that I have agreed with the argument that what I will have in life will be no greater than second best. It was so powerful for me to break that agreement and to come into agreement of God's provision.

Another important thing that was spoken was that if we do not view our personal lives as full of hope and promise, our ministry will suffer. If I do not have hope for the things that God has promised me, how can I hope for others? So good. I got to pray through some more arguments.

Then my pastor, Pastor Denise, looked at me with a smile. She shared that I looked great and then prayed with me a blessing that my husband would see it too. She prayed that joy would radiate from me. I receive every word she spoke. We have to receive the words of blessing too.

So I look forward to the days ahead, laughing with joy. I'm somewhere in the future, and I look much better than I look right now...

boxes

It has been almost a year,
I cannot believe how time has passed.
The boxes I've had since last December
mostly sit in a corner collecting dust.
I've avoided opening most of them, pretending
they are simply not there.
Boxes of emotions, boxes of memories,
boxes of hopes that are now empty.
Boxes of laughter, boxes of pain,
boxes long forgotten.

This time last year, I was buying you
a blue sweater.
Blue was your favorite color and you
were always cold.
I was coming to visit you for your birthday.
You would be turning 51 soon if...

I've fought a lot of regret in the last year.
I've learned it is not a friend you want to keep around.
There is never enough you can do to appease it.

I remember you telling me that you were scared.
I cried silently with you and tried to be strong.
I built walls to keep the pain in,
but it spills out in unexpected moments.
I stuffed it all in a box to avoid facing the reality that...

I remember when you let me drive,
not yet thirteen, on that dirt road by your house.
We laughed as I almost hit the fence.
I remember baking with you,
turtles and cookies,
scents of sweetness filling the air.
Those boxes have been sorted through,
and placed in special places in my heart.
There are others though...

When I lost you in December,
it was not the first time I mourned over you.
And I am still trying to figure out how to feel,
since really you have been gone most of my life.
Some of what hurts the most is the realization
that this year has gone by like most of the others,
and that your absence didn't change much.
But when the moments come,
and I know that I will not see you again,
or hug you, or laugh with you,
the pain is so deep words cannot describe.
More deep than when you were just 430 miles away.
At least then I could cross the distance to get to you.

So, I am still sorting through my boxes,
some that I have put under piles of other things
as the milestones begin to pass for the first time.
I remember telling my brother that we may not
have you for another Christmas.
I didn't think we wouldn't have you for last year's.
I miss you, and I miss what having a mother
means for a young girl's life.
I think sometimes I miss the very idea of you.

Maybe this season I will unpack a few more boxes.
Some will have to wait until I reach new
chapters in my life.
I know I cannot leave them forever.
The walls I made are not made to last.
And the One who made me
has a greater plan than the walls I built.
He restores what has been lost,
and puts hope into empty places.
He will take me through each box as
I keep moving on.

I love you and miss you mom.

beauty

Today I was driving to Arroyo Grande, and it was a hot day in SLO. Bright and sunny. I was approaching Avila Beach and I could see a layer of fog, covering and hugging the hills. It was beautiful. As I drove into the fog, the sun disappeared in an instant! It was dark, grey, and cold. From one minute to the next, it was hot and then it was cold. I marvelled at how quickly things changed.

Our lives are like that sometimes. We are going along with the sun shining bright, then BAM! The fog creeps in, looking cool from a distance, then engulfs you. Things become gloomy and you don't even realize how it happened. One lie, one doubt, one moment of pain, and a cloud surrounds you.

For me, this cloud sometimes is doubt over my beauty. I have struggled off and on with this for years...simply because I have not let God determine my beauty for me. I was created in His image, and therefore, I am beautiful. All things created by God are beautiful, despite the world's opinion on the matter. The world's opinion doesn't matter. It is an everchanging and never lasting thing. God's opinion is eternal. So, the arguments of not thin enough, smile not straight enough, face not clear enough, not pretty enough all fall away when we realize that God created us as His masterpiece. Just like the rose. Just like the fog hugging the hills. Just like a newborn baby. All masterpieces. All unique. No arguments the world can throw at us can stick. We are beautiful. Glorious. Simply because we came from the Father's hand.

I returned home to SLO, and there was the sun. Again, in an instant, it reappeared. For us and our struggles, we just need to return to truth. The truth brings the light back into our lives. Whether our struggle is over beauty or something else, God's word is the answer. If we look anywhere else, we find ourselves in the fog.

buzz in the air

I am really excited as of late, since our pastor pretty much told us that we are too single and something needs to change. I must admit that I have been longing, yes longing, for this change to occur. And I have not really been allowed to help spur on that change. As a woman, God has asked me to wait. In fact, He has asked me to not pursue relationships with men, even friendship. I have been taught to wait, which has been amazing. My heart has stayed a lot more protected because I haven't been caught up in weird signals. I am at a point where I'll know if I am being pursued. Quite frankly, he'll have to be really obvious, because I have to assume it's friendship otherwise. So, I am excited for myself, but also for those around me.

This week, I have had more conversations about finding husbands/wives and dreaming of the occurance than ever before. I am finding out so much about people I love because they are opening up their hearts to possibilities, and are willing to share what they are dreaming of. I am joyous over seeing longtime friends get excited about meeting their true love, despite all of the insecurities. We are beginning to believe that God wants to bless us in a different way than He ever has before. And I can't wait.

Truthfully, I am hoping that I won't be left out and afraid that I will be. But ultimately God knows my story. I don't. If I had the pen, the story I would have written would be one of settling and second best dreams. I only know now, in hindsight, that I wasn't ready in the past when I thought I was. And only God truly knows if I am ready now.

I am praying for myself to stay steady in this buzz...that I won't get carried away, well, until I am meant to. Ha ha! And I am praying for others, that we would all see through God's eyes, and not our own. I am not expecting the perfect package to arrive at my door...because I am definitely not perfect! As we grow together, we will become more of who we are meant to be. I want to see that in the man who is going to pursue me, not just focus on what he has now. I don't want to turn away a man who has the potential simply because he has not come to fullness yet. It takes time, and I will be grateful to the man who sees the same in me. And allows me the time and patience to become what he has dreamed for me.

So, the buzz is in the air, and I hope to see a great wave of men and women coming together side by side to do amazing things for God. This truly is a great time to be in.

we'll be best friends until forever. wait and see.

I just went to Colorado for my "vacation", and really the reason why I chose Colorado and took a long train ride was because of the woman you see here. Her name is Jami. I have known her since we were 8 and 9. She rode by on her bike in the alley behind our apartments. We said hi, and never really said goodbye, even though we did part ways for a time. I am going to share our story without all the details, because well, you don't need to know everything. But I love our story and how God has weaved our lives together.


I think our friendship started out as a convenience. We were close in age and we lived so close to each other. Our personalities (even to this day) are so different...I was "goofy", she was "trouble". But as we spent more time together, we bonded. She was there when my grandma died and my parents divorced, a time I can hardly recall. She remembers how devastated I was. I dragged her to church with me. After a while, she liked coming. We both received Christ as our Savior, and dominated our youth group with our crazy friendship. We listened and danced to all the latest on Mtv. We had bad hair, crazy outfits, and lots of laughter. We lived at each others' homes, both of which had been torn by divorce. We even remember thinking we could try the parent trap thing and get our parents together so we could be sisters!

Jami and I shared everything, clothes, crushes, beds, food, video games, our hearts. We looked like sisters for a long time. My grandpa even mixed us up once! She moved across town, but that did not stop us from spending countless hours together. My dad had simply adopted another daughter. He was so gracious and loving, even though he already carried the weight of raising two kids by himself. He fed Jami, paid for trips for her, allowed her to stay with us on a semi-permanent basis, and loved her like his own, even if she drove him crazy. God used him and our family to bring her to Jesus. And God gave me a best friend.


wow. and we thought we were soooo cool.



junior high. we wanted to look cute.

We started to grow up, and I moved to a different city at 14. Neither of us could drive yet, and my dad had a new marriage. We began to grow apart. I made new friends, and Jami did too. We kept in touch, but Jami became disconnected from our church. She began to drift from the Lord. Many, many things added up in her life and mine. Somehow, we stayed connected despite the growing differences.

now. i realize how ridiculous we look trying to pose like that and laugh.

In April 2001, Jami lost her mom. She called me, and we tried to see each other. I was leaving to go find a place to live in San Luis Obispo. I told her to call me. She never did. It was silence for the next six years. I kept her picture up, and prayed for her. I always hoped to find her again. Little did I know, she was doing the same. In December 2006, I lost my mom. In January 2007, I joined classmates.com. I thought about discontinuing it almost as soon as I joined it. I am glad I didn't. It was through it that Jami found me. I got an email and couldn't believe my eyes! Not only that, but God had redeemed much of what was lost in Jami's life, most importantly, her relationship with God. She filled in all the details of what had happened since we last talked, and I thank God that His hand was upon her life to bring her to where she is today. She has a wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter, and a house of her own. She is walking in success, and is walking with God. I am proud of her. In some ways, she has done more than I have ever thought of and has come so far.

I got to finally come and see her last week. It was like we never separated, but at the same time, someone hit the "grown up" button, and there we were. We laughed, and we cried, and we stared at each other in disbelief. She tried to convince me to live in her office forever. I brought my pictures from our younger days, and the one at the top really does say it all- "we'll be best friends forever. wait and see." We waited, and now we see. We are so grateful to have a second chapter to our tale. I can't wait till she walks with me as I start motherhood. She has learned much, and I know she will delight in the many kids I will have! This is God's doing, all of it, and we are blessed to have each other.

like kids again...

hee hee!

labyrinth

Last night I was sitting in cell group, and my leader was teaching about God's purpose for our lives. She began to tell us that God has given us the authority to trample over the enemy's work if we walk with Him. In effect, the enemy has no power over us. For some reason, this brought to mind the movie Labyrinth. I know, weird connection, but I am about to make this movie biblical in nature, so watch out!

The story talks about a girl named Sarah, who after getting mad at her parents, makes a poor decision by taking her anger out on her brother, wishing him to be taken away. Jareth (goblin king aka our enemy) comes and does just that, turning Sarah's world upside down and intimidating her. He tells her "you are no match for me", and encourages her to give up before she starts. She pushes through and begins her journey through the confusing labyrinth, where she comes up against many obstacles and makes some amazing friends along the way.

Our lives are like Sarah's. We get frustrated at our circumstances and in our frustration, instead of looking to God, we look to other things. We aim our anger at the wrong things, and the door opens up to let the enemy in. He takes from us what we don't intend for him to take, and then we become intimidated by his lies. We don't walk in the authority God has given us through the power of the cross, so we end up walking through a crazy labyrinth- the enemy's territory. We are attacked, misled, and hurt. We feel like we are coming up against the wall and cannot break through. Even when we do confront the enemy, he bribes us and intimidates us- "I ASK FOR SO LITTLE. JUST LET ME RULE YOU, AND YOU CAN HAVE EVERYTHING THAT YOU WANT." (Jareth's lines in the movie...sounds like what Satan told Jesus when tempting Him...).

My favorite part, and the part that came up in my mind as my leader talked about the enemy having no power over us, is when Sarah realizes that Jareth has no power over her. That is the line that breaks his power- "You have no power over me." She overcomes his temptations. Her realization that she is not under his power and can walk out of fear into authority brings restoration to her life. Toby, her brother, is returned safely, and her heart is changed.

We need to realize and walk out in the authority God has given us. Otherwise, we allow ourselves to be intimidated and are forced to go through our own labyrinths. We also need to guard our hearts from sin and not let the enemy get a foothold.

Funny how a crazy movie from the eighties can echo God's word for our lives!

sleep was fleeting...

My roomie and I were very excited to see the sky lighting up and thundering at around 10pm last night. We opened up the windows so we could watch.

The thrill wore off at 2am when I woke up to my room thundering and all lit up! I was scared out of my wits! And though my roomie says she woke up, she was not moving. So, I was alone and the lightning seemed to be right on top of our house and room.

Rumbling and cracking in the air...it was crazy! I got up and looked out the window. We were surrounded. It was beautiful, and yet frightening at the same time.


I felt God's presence and wondered at how much fear I had of the lightning...and how much more powerful God is. My fear was better placed in God's hands, as He was fully in control. Of my life. Of this storm. It raged on throughout the night, filling the sky with power and glorious light. I slept poorly, but stand in awe of God's amazing glory.

faith, not doubt

I am listening to last Sunday's message (I was hanging out with three year olds last Sunday...), and my pastor is talking about faith and Gideon's life. Lately, I feel much like Gideon...full of arguments and doubt. I have a lot of dreams, and yet, I struggle with doubt. As I listen, my pastor says, "You have to choose to believe." God has spoken many promises to me, and I have a choice. Do I believe or do I stay paralyzed out of fear, mostly of failing?

I just started my cell group. I have one member. Historically, I have come up against a lot of arguments about gathering people. I am now being called to not only have a cell group and grow that, but to also help grow my leader's group. Can someone say "aaaahhh" with me? Ha ha ha. Truthfully, my panicked thoughts are driving me into God's arms. I cannot do this in my own strength. And I don't think God wants me to do that. He wants to show me miracles to build my faith. That is exactly what I am praying for. Nothing is impossible for God. And here I am, hoping for the impossible. I am so grateful that God is in charge. I am excited, don't get me wrong, but I know that I need God to do this. I am not willing to do it without Him.

Now my pastor is saying we need to stand up and break the spirit of fear and poverty over our lives. This word is for me. I have struggled and struggled...I have let my weakness dictate to me what I do. I need to give it all to the Lord and receive the Lord's grace. His grace is sufficient for me. I have to get over my weaknesses. I was talking with my friend Katie the other day about a man who wrote a book about focusing on your strengths instead of trying to improve in your weak areas. We too often get caught up in our weakness and then cannot move on. God made us to overcome and walk in the dreams He has for us. It is simply allowing the cross to do its work in our lives, being transformed by forgiveness and mercy.

I am learning to agree with faith. It is an amazing thing how my heart is different simply by starting a cell group. I am desperate for the Lord. I realize how much I need Him to lead me so I can lead others. I am grateful that He chose me, and I am trusting that He has the best for me.

twentysix

I wrote this right before my birthday a few weeks back...thought I'd post it here :)

I am going to be twenty six...that is one year older than I thought I would be when I got married...boy, was I off! I think I am going to borrow Emery's idea and write about twenty six random things about me. Sound like fun? No? Then go ahead and stop reading now, because I am going full speed ahead...

me as a baby sporting a mohawk

1. My parents were so cool that they gave me a mohawk at five days old.

2. When I was three, I would eat raw onions off the chopping board!

3. I have to have chapstick and a source of water by my bed before I can comfortably go to sleep. I have done this for years...

4. I collect sheep. Not real ones. And it wasn't my idea. But somehow, someone thought it would be cool to give me sheep and stuff with sheep on it. Now I have a collection, and it seems that lots of people are in on it.

5. I sing to myself a lot, especially when I am working on something. Sometimes it is in my head, sometimes not. That is when my boss laughs at me. Not because I sound bad, but because it is usually this mumbly humming/singing that doesn't really sound like singing.

6. I always have a song in my head. Right now, it is "Not who I was" by Brandon Heath. Not sure if that is exactly what it is called, but it is my best guess. I am better at lyrics than titles.

me again

7. I love reading! I have read 22 books so far this year and am reading 2-3 right now...

8. My favorite color is green. It is the color of life, and my eyes. I had blue eyes for my first few years though.

9. I do not like peas. They smell like sweaty gym socks to me. Funny, they are green too, but that does not improve upon my opinion of them.

10. My verse for this year is "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit." I am praying for restoration- a restored relationship with God. There has been a lot in my way of that, and God is helping me tear down the walls.

11. So far I want to have three kids...maybe four. I used to want two. The more I babysit, the more I seem to want. I am a mama, even if I do not have my own yet.

12. I have a park in my front yard. My roommate bought a pink basketball so we could be ballers and go out and shoot some hoops. I must admit it is kinda cool to have swings a few steps away from your porch.

13. Twenty six is a large number. I am halfway there. Oh wow. I just remembered what it was like being thirteen. Hahaha. I desperately wanted to be older, a woman. Now I wish I hadn't wished that so much. It was good to be a child, a young teen.

14. I used to climb trees. I would sit in them all day at the park. Or I would ride my bike all over the place.

15. In every job I have worked, I have been promoted. I have been a 17 year old 3rd key manager, a 19 year old recovery team lead, and a 22 year old supervisor. I am now a 26 year old (almost) QMRP. I do not like to stay in one position too long. If it is not challenging, I want to move on.

16. What does QMRP stand for? Qualified Mental Retardation Professional. I like my made-up version better- Qualified Manager of Residential Programs. Mine sounds nicer and is still accurate. In order to be a QMRP, I had to be approved by someone important in the state. I am sure you are impressed.

17. My bed is known as the bed of convenience. People, clothes, and random items migrate and rest on my bed. It becomes a stomping ground for roomies, and has already been initiated into this new house as such.

18. I love chocolate. Yum. I pretty much eat a little everyday in some form or another.

19. My current nicknames include: Beena, X-tina, Chrispix, Tina, Cholina (don't ask), Beans, Precious, and Boss Hog.

20. Yes, in the twenties! My favorite birthday so far was my 24th. I was surprised twice, once during A-team, and once (well, multiple times) at the fair. I am hard to surprise, so I enjoyed the love.

21. I love to dance. I don't do it enough. I want to learn how to do more partner dances, but I have to meet my partner first!

22. My diploma from Cal Poly is signed by Arnold Swartzenegger. I will always think of him as the Terminator.

23. I love to laugh and make people laugh. I also do not do that enough.

24. I am learning to love myself the way God does. I am also learning to believe that God loves me as much as everyone else.

25. I have a spot of hair that always grows out platinum blond. I call it natural highlighting!

26. I am praying that this year will be even better than the last, that I overcome my obstacles, that I finally meet my husband, and that I begin to be the leader God is calling me out to me. Twenty six, here I come!

go!

decisions

Have you ever known that you needed to do something, but still do what you shouldn't, simply because it is familiar, comfortable? I am in the midst of a decision in my life and I know what I need to do, but I am still kicking. It's like when you are a kid getting immunizations...you scream because you don't know what is going to happen, the whole procedure seems scary, and you just know it is going to hurt. Of course, ultimately the immunization protects you from nasty sickness despite all of that, but you don't care. That doesn't matter. What matters is the pending doom at the end of the needle. All you see is the immediate future. Not the lollipop at the end or the fact that you won't die from whatever it is you are being protected from.

So, that is how laying down a life of sin is. Like that analogy? You don't realize how bad it can be without the immunization...you just see the process of going through it. It is hard to stop sinning. No matter what it is. Drugs, sex, negativity, anger...we become one with our sin and when God asks us to walk away, we feel pain at the thought of the unknown. We are so untrusting and uncertain that many times it takes us years to finally let go.

God has given me new lyrics to a song in process. It says "come home, come home, come home, weary traveller". It is about returning to the heart of God. I feel like God is speaking that deep in my soul, and that he wants to speak it into others' lives as well. Come home. Sounds simple, huh. It is just a decision away.

i can has...

How can you not laugh?

Okay, I have decided I love the i can has cheezburger website. I have the following picture on my work laptop right now because it makes me laugh.

I mean, how cute is this? I have to thank Katie and Felicia for introducing this to me.

one way?

Depends on what you are asking. One way to Heaven? Yes. Jesus said that He is the Way. He says it over and over. One way to have a church service? No. God made us all differently, so why would He expect us all to worship the same way? What needs to be looked at is the heart of the person/church and how it lines up with what the Word of God says. A heart that truly seeks and honors Him is what God desires, not whether the church sings with an organ or with a band. God always looks at the heart. One way to reach people? Again, no. People are different. And truly, it is the Holy Spirit who reaches people. He uses us as instruments to bring the gospel to the people, but is there a magic formula? No. Does that mean we shouldn't try? No. God tells us to spread the gospel. Some disciples stayed in their hometowns to preach the word. Some travelled around the world. This is why we have so many missionaries in the world. God loves missionaries! He also wants people to stay at home and reach out to those around them. Whether it is one by one, one family member or friend at a time, or reaching many, we are not meant to keep the gospel to ourselves. That is a selfish act...why would we want to keep something that has changed our lives to ourselves? And why would we put down the way others share the gospel just because it is not the way we do it? The only method of comparison should be to the Word of God. Does the heart line up with God's heart? Does the reaching out line up with how Jesus modeled it? We, as Christ's body, need to be unified in heart, even if the ways we go about serving God look a little different. We need to look to God, not each other. Ultimately, our division causes more souls to be lost because the pettiness of it all keeps people from sharing God's heart. That is the most important thing. It is why we are here. To live for God. To love like God. And to share what God has done for us, each of us having our own unique tales.

multipass

Okay. I am sitting on my bed with my ankle being iced because I had an issue with walking the other day. It doesn't really hurt a lot, it is just stiff and weak. I was thinking of a title for this blog, and randomly "multipass" came to mind. I don't even remember the title of the movie that is from, but it involves an orange haired woman and Bruce Willis, and at one point she is eating chicken, and says, "Chicken, yum." So I laughed to myself as I started this blog.

I got to hang out with my favorite little buddy tonight, an adorable eight month old boy (maybe nine months now). He was so tired that he was giggling from his gut, the best kind of laughter ever, especially coming from him. One of my friends was hiding behind a blanket and playing peek-a-boo, and that was it, pure joy. I am praying for that kind of childlike, pure joy to return to my life. It's coming.

I am mostly moved into my new place. I love it! I feel like I live in a model home. I am so blessed. I have a real bathtub. I have even used it once. Really, I just know that God is going to help me grow as I live in this new environment.

I cried tonight in my kitchen while eating a bite of ice cream. I realized that I felt like I deserved being called out for my "hiding" (as I can best describe it). I was with my Pastor tonight while watching kids, and he just loved me and served me. He gave me half of his cookie and gave me my water when I had a sleeping baby in my arms. He made sure I was comfortable. When I got home and realized that I had expected something different, I cried. God is that way. When you feel like you deserve the worst, He hugs you and loves you. He reminded me of that tonight. God loves me no matter what, for who He created me to be.

I also watched Cinderella tonight. I am hoping that my prince is coming soon too.

already june

Lots of stuff going on in June! Birthdays, graduations, and I am moving! Yes, t-minus 9 days until I have to have my room cleaned out for inspection. Then it is bunking it with the girls at my current house for 3 days after that before I can move into my new place. I am going to be sharing a room for the first time in three years, and although that is going to be odd, I think it is for the best. My sleeping habits have been weird, and I know that the presence of another person in the room will keep me from snoozing...at least long enough to break the cycle and form a new habit. It is the perfect timing. I am hoping it will help me get up for prayer meetings more often. I regret that my inability to go to sleep early enough has kept me from being consistent. I realize, however, that I must make the decision to get up in the morning, and I have not done a good job of doing that. My new roomie is going to be Stacy...see picture below. I am so excited!!! I could live with my current roomies forever, but I know God wants me to branch out before I eventually meet my perma-roomie (aka my husband...which I am always praying will come sooner than later! hahaha). Stacy will be a lot of fun to live with, and I know God wants to do something amazing with us living together. I can't wait!

For those of you who actually read this, pray for me and my work situation. I am having to deal with A LOT of open shifts in the next month or so, and I am getting stressed about it. It is starting to look a little better, but what it all means is that I may have to change my schedule around to work some of the shifts and to train the new people we do end up hiring. There is a lot of work ahead no matter what, and I would like to be able to not get behind or worry too much. I love my job but seriously, open shifts are pretty much my least favorite thing to deal with! Especially when there are 60+ in the next month! Eek! I am trying to take it one day at a time at this point.

June, June. That means that July is coming up next...and you know what that means? Fireworks? Yes, but also my birthday! I am going to be 26 years old. Wow. I don't feel 26 years old most of the time. I also used to think that people who were 26 were sooo old! I am not old, and I am not where I thought I would be at 26. But I cannot complain. I have a lot of positive things in my life that I did not expect either, so I am blessed.

Well, I will sign off for now. I should go eat dinner. Yum...

Mother's Day

I find myself to be a bit in a funk these days, and definitely missing my mom. I went a while without tears, and then at the idea of a holiday, my tears come back as though they never left, the pain fresh again. This time last year, I was making a card for my mom. In it, it stated that I dreamed of her watching me walk down the aisle and kissing her grandchildren. At that time, I truly desired for that time to come, so she could experience that blessing. Part of me knew that of all the important events in my life, those were the ones she wouldn't miss. And here I am, knowing that she won't have that chance. She missed so many birthdays and graduations, prom, so much of my life. I know today that if she could have gone back, she would not have moved to Nevada. She always wanted to come back, but never could.

Funny thing is that my mom was not an active part of my life, but my heart always ached for her. No matter what, I loved her. No matter what she said or did, I wanted her to be a part of my life. I wanted her to be at those events, but she never made it. And she is not going to make it now. This year I am not scrambling to make this Mother's Day special. This year I won't hear her voice on the other line. I sometimes forget that she's gone and think that I need to call her. It comes back, usually with a picture of her in the hospice bed- the reality that she's gone. This is the first milestone since she died, and I have found myself crying the past three days. It is only May 1st! I thank God that He is with me, mourning with me, and loving me through this time. Because I miss her, even the simple conversations we would have.

Happy Mother's Day, mom.

slow rate of blogging

I just noticed that I go about a month in between blogs! Crazy. I will make up for it tonight. After the excitement of graduation (what an honor that night was), I geared up for several fun-filled events. First was Party in the Park, and I am sad to say I do not have pictures. I was the balloon animal lady! Well, one of them. :) There were kids lined up, even when it began to rain. Let me tell you, it is not easy making a flower in the rain! The balloons were not happy with the weather, but the kids had fun, and not too many popped.



That same weekend, my dear friend Kristin came for a visit. We took some silly pictures and enjoyed each other's company. I miss her. She lives in Washington now. I keep telling her to come home. Maybe one day God will tell her too. Here are some of our silly pics:
















What can I say? Aren't we cute?

Next fun event was this past weekend, when our church invited a ton of people for a free banquet. I loved serving food to people and hear all the wonderful words of thanks. We just wanted to bless people and invite those who wanted to become a part of our family. I think we accomplished just that.

In two weeks, we are doing an event called The Invitation. I am so excited. We have invited Leeland to come and play, and we are inviting people to come and hear the gospel. Pretty simple with a big heart behind it. I can't wait. I hope we overflow the PAC, and that many give their lives to Jesus as a result. My biggest prayer besides that, is that those I invite come. The last two events, my friends have missed a mighty blessing, and I don't want them to miss this. May 15th 6pm. If you are in SLO that night, you should come!!!

graduation pictures!

Me and Stacy dancing (also known as squishy and beans...believe it or not, I am not squishy! I am beans, derived from Beena, because it rhymes.)
I have gorgeous friends --->

Brief update

I am on a lunch break at work, though I am not eating lunch (long story but to sum up, I am in Atascadero because of a "sick" client and my lunch is in Morro Bay). Sad, I know. I am hungry. But that is not why I write. There are a lot of good things happening in my life...I am kept quite busy! I have picked up my old habit of reading, and have read like 12-13 books since the beginning of the year! I am currently reading "Real Christianity" by William Wilberforce (the movie Amazing Grace was based on his life). I am being worked by this book! It talks about how Christians (today, although this was written in the late 1700s) do not know how to back up their faith because they do not read the Word, but rather hide behind a lifestyle loosely based on Christian morality. It goes on to talk about how that affects society, and I am only starting the 2nd chapter...ouch. It is so true. And this morning I was listening to Focus on the Family, and the speaker was talking about how nice people do go to hell...works do not get us to heaven. It is only by the grace of God, which we receive through repentance and a relationship with Him. Oooh.

Tonight I am graduating from "School of Leaders", which ultimately comes down to the fact that I am committing to do the works of Christ in my life and to a life dedicated to Him. It is going to be a fancy dinner and event, a wonderful time of celebration of what God is doing in our lives. If I take any pictures, I'll post them. I am also trying to launch a women's group. I had invited co-workers to a free lunch, to which no one showed, but I know God is giving me the faith to believe that I am meant to lead women to Christ. This is not because of me, it is not about me. It is because I am God's workmanship, created to do the works of God, which He has prepared in advance for me to do, that I would walk in them (Ephesians 2:9 summed up). These works are to spread His gospel, and bring people to Christ, particularly women. It is such a blessing to share God with willing souls. My struggle has been to overcome the fear and doubt that holds me back. I keep persevering though, and God willing, will see friends and family come to know Christ in a powerful way.

In work news, I am almost caught up on paperwork! You have no idea what a burden this has been over the past six months. I had a lot of circumstances come up that took a lot of my attention, and I am grateful that things are smoothing out. If you want to know more about what I do, here is the link: www.optionsfs.org -I think if you look hard enough you might find a picture of me! I really do enjoy my job and the people I work with.

Well, lunch time is over, and so ends my update. I will hopefully get to eat my lunch around 2:30!

Beautiful woman, life much like the worn pages of a classic book, Taking one step at a time, giving away what she could. A woman who loved so much that she did not always know how to express it, Sorrows so deep, no person could reach. Decisions made over time leading to regret and memories so sweet, laughter overflows. She loved writing, crafts, drawing- expressions of all she contained. She enjoyed the outdoors, barbequing, Nascar, football, and crime drama. She loved her two children, gifts in her eyes. Her heart broke a thousand times when she left them behind. I look like her, sometimes sound like her. I belong to her, and she is a part of me. No longer here, this beautiful woman. My hope is that she is at home, full of peace and free from pain. I miss her, and in a way, I missed her long before she was gone.

I love you, mom. Thank you for your love.

November 23, 1956 - December 15, 2006

disco funk

I cut my hair off! The cut is called "the disco" 'cause as my awesome hairstylist, Harmony, says "it's disco-nnected!" Ha ha ha. :) I like it, and so do most people who have taken a gander at it. Shocking to some, though, and that is OK. I am becoming more myself these days, if you know what I mean...I used to have simple haircuts, and simple style. It wasn't me, but I didn't feel comfortable standing out. But I have been set free by my Jesus, and here I am, sporting the "disco". Standing out a little more. It's fun. It's even more fun being free...

rainy days

This is what my roommates and I do on rainy days. We come up with games...this time we got all of our exercise balls and made up gladiator type games. Why? Because we could. We played "smashball" which consisted of us holding our balls and smashing into one another. We threw the balls at each other to see if we could catch them. Then my roomies came up with the ultimate game..."ball surfing". Aw yeah. I don't know if the video link will work BUT if it does, it is of my friend William, trying out our game. It is so cool, you know you will want to do it! The pic below is us pretending to be superheroes or flying or something that just looks really cool. Come on, it was raining ALL day. You know you would do the same, or something just as ridiculously FUN.

Father

This Sunday, a visiting pastor told us about how he has felt a burden for years, that he feels the need to tackle the big issues on his own. I sat listening, and completely understanding where he was coming from. He went on to say that God showed him that when he was eight, his grandpa died and his dad told him to go out and play after breaking the news. He felt all alone to handle his grief, and began that pattern for the rest of his life, not knowing he had Someone to help carry his burden. My story is similar, except that my burden was my parents' divorce and all that followed. My dad was devastated, and did not know how to comfort me through that time. My mom moved to another state within a year of leaving my dad. I had made the decision that I needed to handle it all on my own. And I have done just that since. Funny thing is that what the pastor and myself did not know was that God has always been there, ready to help carry our loads. Our Father, who never leaves us or forsakes us, is here, and we just have to come to Him. He is not like our earthly fathers, who are not perfect no matter how hard they try. He knows our heartaches, and our dreams. And He waits for us to come and ask for His help. When we do, it is amazing at what He does..."more than we ask or imagine".

Dreaming

I wrote this a while back, but I wanted to share...

Have you ever dreamt a dream so big that you know you could not do it on your own? One that is impossible by the world’s standards? I have lived my life running from those kinds of dreams because I have collected a list of excuses that boil down to fear and shame. I have distracted my mind with mindless daydreams, afraid to risk a dream bigger than myself, surrounding myself with the comfort of not facing reality. I have hidden behind a wall because circumstances have told me that I could never…and I have kept my mouth shut because my worth had been given up on. I told myself I lost faith in love, I lived just out of reach, and I was invisible. I have looked down because I felt the weight of what I deserved and could not look past it. And then Jesus came. He took my hands in his, let me touch his scars, kissed my face, and loved me, just as I am. He showed me that everything that has bound me or held me back has been cast off. He paid the price to set me free. The guilt offering has been made, and I owe nothing. And He’s daring me to dream again. He’s whispering my purpose, one that had been locked up for fear of disappointment. He calls me to come, follow Him. More than that, He is calling me to believe in the same dream as my ancestor Abraham. To be a mother of nations, part of a redemptive plan that God Himself orchestrated through generations and lays in my hands. Do I dare to count the stars and believe? Do I dare to stand in my faith and let Him dream with me? Or do I discard it all because I cannot control the outcome or the means to get there? Tonight I finally felt permission to dream again as I have been shedding layers of excuses and pain. To be a part of something greater than myself leaves me with nothing but an open heart and tears of joy. Tonight I got a hold of a small part of a great vision of God’s heart for people…I have been reading about the laws of Moses’ time, when the people were instructed to take care of each other and not allow others among them to become poor. I saw this city full of people serving Jesus and each other, giving whatever was needed to make provision. Poverty does not exist because each person gives what is needed. Everything is closed on Sundays because no one should work. Salvation has changed this town. I believe it is coming. I truly do. The Holy Spirit is preparing a mighty plan that I am a part of, and my heart is awakening. I am beginning to believe in love again, and that I am meant to be caught up in a great romance. It begins with Jesus, and will include a multitude of souls embraced by the most powerful love ever imagined. My dreams of a husband and children will be a small part of the multitude, but I know that God has created my heart to love so many more people than my little family. I am on the edge of a crazy leap, but I have the best odds for success because I have Jesus leading the way. I dream of salvation, starting with me. Salvation so contagious that I lead a multitude into heaven when my time here is finally ended. I dream of change so big it causes a revolution. And I believe it can be done, not by my works, but by the grace of One far greater than myself.

Year of Restoration

2007 is my year of Restoration. Every year has should have a name, as it states what the year holds for you. Mine is restoration. What does that mean? I am not sure yet. So far, it means that God is restoring to me what has been lost...which includes my dreams, my hope for success and love, and even my childhood best friend. Last week, I got in touch with Jami, a friend who had been attached to my hip, and had disappeared from my life about six years ago. I am amazed at what God has done in both her life and mine, and how faithful He has been to both of us. There is much more to this year than what has just begun, and I look forward to all it has in store for me. What is your name for 2007?